Pay the Piper
by Nicky4
Summary: Bert's past catches up to him and forces him into a battle he cannot win against a system stacked against him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Raccoons and all associated characters are the property of Evergreen Raccoons Marketing and are used without permission. This work is solely for the entertainment of the author and his readers and no money is either being or to be made from this work.

Pay the Piper

It was a perfect afternoon. Bert and Melissa Raccoon or at least Melissa waited patently seated at a picnic table as Ralph Raccoon complete with chef's hat poked at the days catch cooking on the grill periodically with a spatula.

"Come on Ralph!" Bert bounced impatiently, "I'm hungry."

"It'll be done soon Bert." Melissa tried to calm Bert down as she unpacked their picnic basket.

"Not soon enough." Bert harrumphed crossing his arms over his chest as he sat down with the picnic basket to his back. Bert uncrossed his arms and reached into the picnic basket withdrawing a jar of peanut butter. "And Ralph is forgetting the most important ingredient when grilling, peanut butter."

Ralph's ears twitched at Bert's suggestion and as Bert walked over with said jar of peanut butter Ralph was ready. "Peanut butter shall not touch my grill Bert." Ralph said with a growl stabbing at Bert with the spatula as if it were a knife. Ralph was normally a peace loving raccoon but some things were sacred, namely his grill and the absence of peanut butter on it.

"Bert Raccoon?" an unfamiliar voice intruded upon the scene. The voice belonged to a police dog pulling some overtime doubling as a court bailiff.

"I'm Bert Raccoon." Bert said.

"This is a notice of summons. Please sign this to acknowledge receipt." The police dog presented Bert with a manila envelope after he signed. With his job finished the police dog returned to his car and left.

"What is it Bert?" Ralph asked as Bert opened the manila envelope and peered at the papers.

"It says I am hereby summoned to Crown Court for deliberation of a paternity suit. That's ridiculous I don't even own a suit so it can't be too important." Bert scratched his head in confusion.

"Uh Bert," Ralph offered, "A paternity suit means someone is claiming you are the father of their child and this is important."

"You mean somewhere out there I have a kid?" Bert asked astounded, "That's great!" The exuberant raccoon exclaimed as he jumped in the air then danced a little jig.

"How exactly is this great Bert?" Ralph asked before continuing, "It says here that you are being sued for twelve years of back child support as well as maintenance until she turns eighteen."

"A daughter, I have a daughter? I better get a shotgun you know how boys are these days."

Melissa spoke up, "Probably a lot like they were in your day Bert"

"I know, that's why I need a shotgun."

Melissa spoke again, "Bert how did this happen?"

"No wonder we don't have any kids." Ralph crossed his arms over his chest.

Melissa shot him a quit it or die look then restated, "I mean I know how it happened but who is the mother? You seem awful certain you're the father."

Bert took the papers back from Ralph, "Says here the mother is Delilah Blackmask. I remember her we dated for a few weeks before she told me to pick up my stuff and leave."

"Well you obviously left something behind Bert." Ralph stated.

"And I don't intend to do that anymore. Bert Raccoon, ace dad." Bert gave his trademark fill in the blank phrase as he began to trek back inside. "Now I have to figure out what to do when I see her. I wonder if she'll like fishing?" Bert's talking trailed off as he walked into the raccoondominium leaving Ralph and Melissa by themselves.

"Do you think we should tell him?" Ralph asked his worried looking wife.

"It'll break his heart." Melissa responded.

"The way the family courts are stacked against fathers he's going to get chewed up and spit out. It'll kill him." Ralph said as he and Melissa hugged one another despairing over what to tell Bert.

Some time later Bert and Bentley were in Bert's room. Bert had made a partial effort to clean his room reasoning that he could not very well yell at his kid for her room looking like a tornado hit it if his room looked like a hurricane hit it.

Bentley brought over some ties for Bert to try on because he actually did not own any. So far his efforts to properly tie a necktie had not borne fruit. For the most part Bert's efforts ended up with the tie either a jumbled mess or coming completely undone.

"Try again Bert." Bentley was exasperated that Bert was having such a difficult time trying to tie a tie.

"Why did they have to make these things so hard to work?" Bert asked as he fumbled with the tie making a crude knot that for some reason had ensnared his hand.

"Maybe you should just get a clip on Bert." Bentley suggested.

"No clip ons! I want to do this properly." Bert answered as he began tying the tie again this time keeping his hand from becoming part of the knot though instead of a straight tie it looked more like a poorly tied bow tie At least it did until it came undone yet again.

"Bert, take the larger end and wrap it around keeping a finger or two to hold the space, then up, over and through. Just make sure the two ends are the same length. Now you try it just like that." Bentley demonstrated to Bert how to tie a single Windsor knot.

"Hold on I think I've got it." Their exchange was interrupted when Lisa stormed into Bert's room her hands were balled into fists and she appeared to have been crying. Right now however, she was just enraged.

"Hey Lisa how does my tie look?" Bert was oblivious to her mood.

"You two-timing, conniving, backstabbing, son of a…"

Bert did not hear the last word Lisa spoke because as she spoke it she slapped him right across the face before turning and running out of the room crying. "What was that about?" Bert asked his hand holding his aching cheek.

"Don't know Bert," Bentley said, "she gets like this once a month.

"How long does it last?"

"All month."

"Do you think maybe she'd like the other tie better?"

"How should I know Bert?" Bentley said. "The only thing I know about girls is that they are soft, smell good and are nuttier than squirrel poop."

A week later Bert stood outside the Evergreen Forest Courthouse. He finally learned to tie a tie even if a bit sloppily. His nervousness was observable to Ralph, Melissa and Cedric who came to give him some moral support.

"Don't worry Bert you'll be fine." Melissa said as she straightened and tightened the knot of Bert's tie.

"I know I'll be fine Melissa," Bert said, "but do you think she'll like me?" Bert asked in reference to his daughter.

"Of course she will Bert. Who wouldn't like you?" Melissa responded encouragingly.

"You're right Melissa." Bert bounded up the first few steps of the courthouse.

Cedric decided to inject a voice of reason, "Bert shouldn't you have a lawyer with you? Pop says the laws are so complicated now that you have to be crazy to go into a courtroom without one. And you know how pop is about spending money."

"Cedric, Cedric c'mon this is the 'justice system' that means justice is done and besides all I'm doing is declaring that I am the father and we'll set up support and visitation. What could possibly go wrong?" Bert began walking up the steps again.

"What indeed?" was all Ralph could come up with.

Bert passed though the double doors into the courtroom. There were a few disinterested observers sitting in the gallery directly behind the plaintiff and defendant's tables. He made his way up to the partition and was instructed to take his seat at the defendant's table. The courtroom was a typical modern room with faux wood paneling. The judicial bench was on a raised platform so that the judge or magistrate could look down for the power position on the litigants. The provincial seal was a garish chrome plated modern art sculpture meant to symbolize that even in a backwoods location taxpayer money can be wasted with impunity.

Ralph, Melissa and Cedric took their seats in the gallery directly behind Bert. The padded seats provided little comfort not that they were supposed to. Each one tried to keep up Bert's spirits by saying encouraging things or giving him a pat on the shoulder. Bert's insistence that all was well did not comport with his body language that showed his nervousness.

Soon three more raccoons entered the courtroom. The first was a male in a business suit he carried a briefcase and a grim look. He was a straight nosed pointy eared somewhat portly raccoon somewhat taller than Ralph but shorter than Bert.

The next in line was a statuesque female raccoon in a stylish neutral outfit she was slightly shorter than Lisa though taller than Bert. The female raccoon had pointy black ears and a straight nose. Bert recognized her as Delilah Blackmask her appearance had not changed much since college although he did not remember her breasts being quite so large. Bert was sure he heard Melissa mutter the word 'fake' as the female raccoon walked by.

Delilah had a young child in tow a female raccoon roughly twelve years old. Bert wasn't sure where his genetics came in on the girl. Her nose was straight and her ears pointy unlike Bert's bent nose and ears. Is this kid my daughter? Bert thought to himself as the three raccoons seated themselves at the plaintiff's table the male raccoon closest to Bert Delilah next and the young girl raccoon furthest away.

Bert looked over towards the plaintiff's table. The two older raccoons stared forward but the little girl soon began to glimpse at Bert of short occasions before retreating back behind her mother only to do so again. Bert for his part would smile at the young raccoon, which only encouraged her to continue. This game of peek-a-boo ended when Delilah caught her daughter and admonished her brusquely not to behave like that. Once her child was chastised Delilah glared at Bert as if he were a devil. Taking this as a cue Bert resumed staring forward only occasionally glancing sideways to see that the girl raccoon was doing the same.

Looking straight ahead Bert smiled to himself, that's where my genes come in, he thought acknowledging the girls free spirit and tendency to ignore her mother's admonishments.

Further attempts to spy on the child ended when the court Bailiff entered and intoned, "All rise. Crown court is now in session The Honorable Judith Sessions presiding." The entire courtroom rose from their seats as the judge a female sheepdog in judicial robes and a curly wig entered the room.

"You may be seated." The judge said adjusting her glasses as the entire courtroom took their seats. "I have read the motions brought before me. Now Mr. Raccoon present before the court is a motion that you are the father of one Cynthia Blackmask. How do you declare in this motion?"

Bert stood cleared his throat and declared, "I am the father." To Bert's right both Delilah Blackmask and her attorney grinned to one another there wouldn't even be a fight. Things were so much easier when there was no fight.

The judge was taken slightly aback. She shuffled some papers around and spoke again, "You do understand the responsibilities you will be taking on by this admission Mr. Raccoon?"

"Yes, I do."

"Good, that makes it easy. The defendant, Bert Raccoon, having declared parentage is hereby ordered to pay five hundred dollars a month in child support until the child achieves majority. Plaintiff's request for back support is dismissed." The judge banged the gavel down on the bench indicating the order was now in force.

Bert realized the judge had only mentioned child support payments and decided to ask about visitation. "Um when do I get to see my kid?"

"You haven't seen her for twelve years why start now?" The judge angrily shot from the bench. "Other than that take it up with the mother."

Bert was stunned the court didn't even acknowledge him as anything other than a wallet. Even so maybe his daughter's mother would be more reasonable. "Hello Delilah." Bert said to the retreating back of his one time girlfriend.

Delilah Blackmask stopped walking away and turned to face Bert a frown set in face and her eyes narrowed to slits. She was clearly unhappy that Bert was talking to her at all. "What do you want Bert?" Her voice was as cold as ice and very well practiced.

"I just wanted to discuss when I could see our daughter."

"Cynthia," Delilah commanded to her daughter, "Come here." Cynthia Blackmask bounced up and stood directly in front of her mother Delilah's hands on her shoulders. Just as quickly Delilah pushed her daughter to her side, "There you've seen her. Now you can go on with whatever you do."

"Um I was thinking more like weekends or some time in the summer." Bert started.

"What makes you think I would let you see my daughter?" Delilah emphasized the word my.

"Well," Bert stammered, "I am her father."

"And you think that gives you the right to see her? Cynthia don't look at him!" Delilah shushed her daughter who was smiling at Bert. Delilah pressed her hand against her daughter's back as she walked up the courtroom aisle. She turned her head back to Bert as she walked out, "It's over Bert. You won't have to bother with seeing her and don't you dare be late with the check." Delilah exited the courtroom with Cynthia and her attorney.

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter 2

Bert waited impatiently in the lobby of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe absently flipping through the pages of a magazine. Bert was not interested in the magazines, which were mostly legal journals or out of date news rags, but they offered something to pass the time while waiting.

"Mr. Raccoon?" a feminine voice called from behind the receptionist's desk. "Ms Badger is ready to see you now."

Bert put the magazine down and got up from the chair the secretary buzzed him thorough the electronic lock and he entered the office. The stark contrast between the incandescent lights that dimly lit lobby to the bright fluorescent lights that lit the offices was marked.

The interior office was mostly a cubical farm with various people typing or talking on the phones as they carried out their various tasks. At the end of the cube farm a young female badger stood waiting for him. She held out her hand in greeting. "You must be Bert Raccoon." She said as she shook his hand. "I am Rebecca Badger you called our office in regard to child support payments." The badger and raccoon both walked down a brightly lit hallway.

"Actually I want to see my daughter. The judge wouldn't order visitation and her mother refuses to let me see her at all." Bert said as the lawyer ushered him into her office closing the door behind them.

Rebecca's office was small a desk sat in the middle of the room filing cabinets lined the walls and on the walls themselves her diplomas and awards hung neatly. A stack of manila folders stood neatly next to a picture frame on the desk.

"Please sit down Mr. Raccoon." Rebecca motioned to the two chairs in front of her desk. Bert took one of the seats as the lawyer took her own seat. She pulled a file from one of the stacks and knocked over the picture frame.

Bert caught the frame and looked at it briefly before placing it back on her desk. The picture showed his lawyer standing next to an older male badger. "Is that your father?"

"Oh no, I wish."

"Husband, boyfriend?"

"I wish he were any of those three. He was actually my mentor before I went into law. He went into politics right after I went into law school and is now the Minister of Justice." Rebecca moved the picture and frame further down her desk away from the stack of files. Rebecca returned to the file she originally pulled out and began to leaf through it. "You realize it will be difficult to get visitation. It says here that you recently admitted parentage and prior to that you had no contact with the child."

"That's all true but I never knew about her. Her mother just told me I was her father a week ago."

"Were you attempting to hide?"

"Hide? Heck I'm in the paper."

"Well I guess that is true. So you are a newspaper columnist do you have any other sources of income?"

"I'm a part time reporter for the Evergreen Standard newspaper. I'm also the owner of Evergreen Raccoons Marketing the printer of the Standard and some freelance stuff. Oh and I'm also head of distribution." Bert puffed himself up and his clever resume enhancement.

"You mean you're the paperboy"

Bert was taken aback. "How did you know?"

"You delivered my paper this morning." The lawyer said holding up a copy of the Evergreen Standard.

"Hee hee I guess you would know."

"What about your living arrangements?"

"Well I live with my friends Ralph and Melissa. I stay in their guest bedroom."

"You don't even live on your own?"

"No, not technically I guess."

"You guess?"

Bert looked sheepish, "I can come and go as I please."

"Can you? I'm impressed."

"You think I'm some schulb who drifts around and doesn't do anything all day, don't you?" The lawyer said nothing. "Ok so maybe I sleep till noon and go fishing during the afternoon but you know what printing presses don't work too well when it is hot and since I spent all my money on the press I can't afford climate control so I run the press when I can, at night."

Bert continued, "And I give my friends' newspaper reduced rates for printing. So I don't think it is too much to ask that I get free room and board. The rest of my time I spend trying to get short run printing jobs to pay off the half a million dollar loan it took to buy the press. Now I have an extra five hundred dollars a month in child support for a kid I can't even see. Do you think I might have some reasons for living with my friends?"

The lawyer looked sympathetically at Bert it was unusual for males to come into her office seeking visitation. Most were resigned to defeat and were just trying to protect what little they had left asset wise after the divorce. "I can draw up a petition to the court for custody. I'm not going to lie to you Mr. Raccoon a father getting anything let alone joint custody is rare. It usually only happens when the mother is on good terms with him or if she is completely insane."

"I just want to see my kid. That's all, I don't care about the money."

Delilah Blackmask lay next to her swimming pool soaking in the mid day sun. She was not asleep but was keeping her eyes closed in the hopes of catching up on her sleep with a nap. Unfortunately for her Cynthia had taken to playing basketball by herself and was dribbling the ball frequently before taking shots at the basket and frequently missing. "Do you have to do that here Cynthia?" She asked after the ball once again clanged against the backboard.

"This is the only basketball hoop we have mom."

"Why don't you go do some homework or something?"

"I already finished it."

"Well go play with your friends."

"They're all away for the long weekend. Do you want to play mom?" Cynthia asked almost pleading.

"You know I don't like basketball," the doorbell chimed, "now who could that be?" Delilah stood from the chase lounge and walked into her house drawing a shirt over her ample augmented chest.

As Delilah left her daughter muttered, "If you don't like basketball why did you have two put on your chest?" Cynthia shoot the basketball at the hoop missing completely.

Delilah opened the front door, "What do you want?" she shouted at the court bailiff on her doorstop.

The court bailiff was momentarily distracted by her accessories. "I'm sorry ma'am I have a court summons for Delilah Blackmask." The bailiff attempted to keep his eyes on her eyes but failed they had a habit of working their way downward.

Normally this would not bother Delilah after all she bought the objects of his attention just to get that reaction but it was annoying when trying to conduct business. She grabbed the papers from the bailiff and scanned them becoming increasingly angry the further she read. "You delivered what you needed to now get out!" she shouted at the flustered bailiff who scurried away.

Delilah slammed the door and retreated inside. She picked up a telephone receiver and furiously dialed her lawyer's number.

Anthony Shyster picked up the telephone only to be greeted by the screeching voice of his client Delilah Blackmask. He pulled the telephone away from his ear and winced. "Slow down Delilah, what is the problem?" Something that sounded like an angry chipmunk yelling into a telephone came through the receiver. "Relax Delilah, he's only the father they have no standing in a family court. This is just a ploy to get support reduced. I'll talk to his lawyer we'll negotiate a reduction in support payments then he'll be gone." There was more excited chatter from the other end of the phone. "No Delilah he'll never know." There was yet more excited chatter from the phone, "Even if he is foolish enough to try we can destroy him so thoroughly that no one will ever trust him again. Don't worry about it I'll handle everything."

The law offices of Engulf and Devour were much plusher than Dewey, Cheatem and Howe's. Here the wood paneling seemed real, the seating appeared to be genuine antiques and instead of old magazines on the tables brass lamps tastefully lit the lobby. Just opposite the elevator bank pictures of the law firm's founders, two wolves appropriately enough, gazed down on the visitors.

Bert and his attorney waited at the receptionist's desk to be buzzed in past the bulletproof glass double doors. Once the receptionist was sure they were on the approved list she handed them their visitor badges and let them in. A young intern waited to escort them down the hall to where Anthony Shyster stood outside meeting room 101. "Thank you Simon," he said to the intern as he ushered Bert and his lawyer into the conference room.

Engulf and Devour spared no expense in providing a luxurious working experience for its employees. The conference room was dominated by a large oak table that was surrounded by twenty executive style swivel chairs two of which near the head of the table were askew intended for them to sit.

Anthony Shyster walked ahead of Bert and his lawyer and pulled the chair at the head of the table out. He stood between the chair and table with his hand making a motion towards the two chairs meant for them. "Please sit down." His voice was pleasant. Bert hesitated to take orders from who was essentially his nemesis but his lawyer quickly took her seat so Bert followed suit.

Bert scanned the room as Anthony Shyster sat down and the two lawyers glanced through their papers. Several bookcases lined the walls Bert figured they had to be law books of some kind as this didn't seem to be a place where reading for pleasure was high on the agenda. Paintings of four-masted frigates hung on the walls which were painted a pinkish color referred to a salmon it was supposed to be a calming color. Bert was however feeling anything but calm as the two lawyers discussed the intricacies of the case.

For the most part Bert tuned out the two lawyers blabberings. The first time he showed any interest was when Anthony Shyster said, "I understand Mr. Raccoon's hardships and we are willing to compromise with him. We are willing reduce monthly child support payments to three hundred dollars a month as long as he drops his frivolous lawsuit against my client."

"I do not think you understand Mr. Shyster, my client is not interested in reducing support payments. What he wants is to see his daughter."

"That is unacceptable. My client will not allow it."

"There is no rational reason my client should not see his daughter. Many fathers take up parental responsibilities and do a fine job of it."

"While I cannot speak for Mr. Raccoon's parenting skills I do know that he does not have a stable income, he is reported to be quite lazy and he still lives with his parents."

"Friends." Bert said annoyed.

"Hmmm?" Anthony Shyster made a confused noise.

"They're my friends we grew up together even went to the same grade."

"You're kidding. They seemed so much more, mature."

"You should see them in the spring."

"Can we get back to the issue at hand?" Bert's lawyer asked annoyed that the conversation had gotten off topic.

"Mr. Raccoon I do not understand why you are turning down this generous offer."

"I want to see my daughter." Anthony Shyster looked perplexed as if he did not understand what Bert was saying. "Mr. Shyster don't you have any children?" Bert asked.

"Mr. Raccoon, I am a family courts lawyer. What makes you think I would be stupid enough to risk having children?"

Bert stood along with his lawyer, "Then I guess you really don't know." With that they both left.

Anthony Shyster frowned as Bert and his attorney walked out the door. He then picked up the receiver of the telephone and pressed the intercom button for his secretary. "Barbara this is Anthony get me Winston Weasely." Anthony Shyster leaned back in the chair and smiled. "Winston, it's Anthony I have a job for you."

Bert and his attorney waited at the plaintiff's table for Delilah and her attorney to arrive. The courtroom gallery was for the most part empty save for a lone weasel who was reading a newspaper and chewing a toothpick. Bert's attorney sat reading some legal briefs while Bert himself fiddled with his tie or absently drummed with his hands on the table. If there was one thing courts liked making you do it is waiting and Bert was not very good at waiting. Bert's attorney noticed his agitated state, "Nervous?"

"No, I just hate waiting. I could be working or something right now." Bert learned back on the chair with his arms folded across his chest.

"Waiting for things is part of life Bert especially in the legal profession where we go by judicial standard time which is to say we go when the judge feels like it."

At that moment Delilah Blackmask and her attorney entered the courtroom and made their way to the defendant's table. Delilah gave a death glance towards Bert just before taking her own seat. Bert could sense the hostility and immediately wished he was sitting in the seat his attorney was in. "Can we switch seats?" Bert asked.

Before his attorney could answer the judge entered the chamber. "All rise," intoned the bailiff.

"You may be seated." The judge said as she sat in her chair and adjusted her glasses. "I see the two of you are unable to work out your differences and once again are before my court. If I am to understand correctly Mr. Raccoon is suing for visitation."

"That is correct your honor." Bert's attorney said as she stood.

"I take it from your legal brief Mr. Shyster, that your client does not agree with Mr. Raccoon does she?"

"No your honor and we have outlined our objections in the brief you have."

"Yes I have reviewed them. "Ms. Badger what is your client's response."

"Your honor my client acknowledges his income has been unstable in the past but prior to this he has not needed very much to live. As far as his domestic situation he is currently in the process of finding a place of his own. We have provided details as to Mr. Raccoon's financial state."

The judge looked over the papers or at least gave the impression of looking them over then placed them back on the bench. "Very well seeing as how there is no reason to deny it Bert Raccoon will be awarded the third Saturday of every month for supervised visitation. This can be revisited if Mr. Raccoon's situation changes."

Bert allowed a quiet, "yes," to escape and pumped his fist discreetly even though it was against courtroom decorum. Bert's attorney as well was both surprised and pleased with the outcome. Prior to this case it was practically unheard of for a father to get anything in regards to custody or visitation once separated from the mother. Both Bert and his attorney shock hands in congratulation.

"We will have a hearing at a later date to determine whatever changes may be taken in regards to Mr. Raccoon's rights. This court is now adjourned." The judge banged her gavel and the ruling was now in force. Delilah got up and stormed out of the courtroom after court was adjourned. Her lawyer followed cringing at what he knew lay ahead.

Outside the courtroom Delilah let into her lawyer with all the venom of a snake. For his part Anthony Shyster simply looked disinterested in her ranting and waited to get a word in edgewise.

"To think I trust you to protect my daughter from some predatory male and you allow this to happen! What kind of crummy lawyer are you! The only time I want to see anything that has to do with that creature it better be a check! I did not hire you to let him anywhere near my daughter! Get him out of my life!" The infuriated female raccoon turned and stormed away leaving her attorney without letting him say a word.

The toothpick chewing weasel who watched the court proceedings walked up to Anthony Shyster and removed the toothpick from his mouth asking, "Why do you let her treat you like that?"

"She pays well not that that matters right now. I want you to do research on Bert Raccoon anything you can find the worse the better and get it to me as soon as possible. Your standard rates will apply." With that Anthony turned and left Winston Weasely alone.

"As long as I get paid I'll get you whatever you want." Winston placed the toothpick he was chewing back in his mouth.

To Be Continued


	3. Chapter 3

The Raccoons

Pay the Piper Chapter 3

Bert fumbled with his tie as he bounced about the raccoondominium. He wanted to look his best when he meet with his potential client, Mr. Foxworthy. This client offered a potentially large printing contract that had the potential to make Bert's income high enough to be a custodial parent.

"Bert all your jumping around is making me dizzy." Ralph said as he watched Bert's actions.

"I've got a meting with Mr. Foxworthy of Foxworthy Promotions. If I can get his business I might be able to convince the judge that I should have joint custody of Cynthia.

"Well you look handsome Bert. I'm sure he will be impressed." Melissa said trying to encourage the raccoon as she straightened his tie for him yet again.

"I hope so," Bert said as he as he checked his cufflinks and picked up his attaché case, "This could be important for me."

Ralph had enough, "Damn it Bert!" Ralph shouted as he grabbed hold of Bert's shoulders. "If you are trying to expand your business fine but if you think this is going to do anything to appease that court then you are wrong, dead wrong!" Ralph shoved Bert to emphasize his point.

Bert could only look at his friend with a hurt expression then he turned muttering, "It might be a little easier to do if I didn't have all these knives in my back." With that he left the raccoondominium.

Melissa looked exasperated at her husband. "Why did you do that Ralph? You know Bert will fight for what is right no matter what. Why would you hurt him like that?"

Ralph sighed as he sat down cradling his face with his hands. "I know Melissa but sometimes there are things you can fight for and sometimes you just fight until you commit suicide in a bunker. I don't want that to happen to Bert."

"Don't be silly Bert won't kill himself."

"Do you remember Rocky from college?"

"Vaguely, how is he doing?"

"He's dead. He killed himself after he jumped though every hoop the courts told him to jump through. They then just charged him more child support and didn't enforce visitation. And he was married to her for several years in the house with the kids and he still lost everything."

"That's awful." Melissa said sadly.

"Yes it was. Just prior to his death he was still trying to get some form of contact with his kids and for his efforts they smeared him. He finally just liquidated everything he had spent it on one big vacation and then killed himself leaving nothing for his ex wife to get her hands on. They said that she was so displeased that she went after every living relative he had trying to get anything that he might have left to them."

"All over money?" Mellissa seemed incredulous that someone could behave that way.

"It wasn't just about the money it was about the power. She was able to wield it and she did. She knew he wanted to stay a part of his kids' lives and she used that to her advantage but she just went too far. I am afraid Delilah will go to that extreme and Bert won't have any qualms about pushing back. I'm scared for Bert I don't think he has any idea how much hate comes from these kinds of court proceedings. It might be better for him to try to contact his daughter after she turns eighteen when she won't be under Delilah's control anymore."

"But Bert shouldn't have to wait. He is her father and that means something." Mellissa tried to find some sort of logic in this but could find none.

"Yeah it should but it doesn't. The court only wants to get these things over with as quickly as possible and with the greatest profit for themselves. They talk about 'best interests of the child' but they really mean best interests of themselves. That's why Bert should give up. They aren't going to give up a good thing for his benefit."

Winston Weasely sat at a table in the Blue Spruce Café absently reading the Evergreen Standard and eating a slice of blueberry pie. His investigation was so far stalled so far all he had on Bert was that he was a friend to everyone, except Cyril Sneer, and would do anything to help someone out. This was not the sort of stuff that was damaging in a child custody case.

Winston had searched the microfiche files at the Evergreen Forest's library but because Bert was a columnist and reporter for the paper there were thousands of entries under his name almost all of which had nothing to do with him as a subject. The few articles that were about Bert all detailed various exploits usually having to do with the thwarting of Cyril Sneer's plans.

Winston's thought processes were interrupted by the chattering of two juvenile raccoons. Of course it was more accurate to say that the talking was coming almost exclusively from the female of the pair as the male, whom Winston gathered his name was Bentley, seemed to just ignore her keeping his nose buried in his laptop computer occasionally taking a bite of the sundae he ordered.

Winston only half listened to the conversation. The girl raccoon mostly seemed interested in talking about current popular entertainers, who was seeing who at school and other topics that were apparently important only to adolescent girls. For his part Bentley would toss in an 'uh huh' every so often to put her off the scent of his not listening. It was only when the proprietor a large sheepdog presented them with the bill or more accurately gave the bill to Bentley that the fireworks erupted.

"You owe a dollar fifty." Bentley told the girl raccoon obviously missing this was where he was supposed to pick up the check.

"Bentley you should pay the bill because it is the gentlemanly thing to do."

"I'm a feminist." Bentley deadpanned back.

This did not sit well with the girl, "You should be more like Bert, he knows how to be romantic." The girl said 'romantic' with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Oh sure," Bentley said sarcastically, "Bert's quite the romantic."

Winston was now fully engaged in listening to this conversation as the girl said, "He is. Why when we went on our peanut butter date it was wonderful." Winston screwed up his face at 'peanut butter date' that just sounded wrong on so many levels.

"One: Bert had to loan you the dollar fifty to buy him at that bachelor auction. Two: you two ate peanut butter sandwiches at the top of Prieng's Peak which is not what I would call romantic because everyone goes up there and did you ever pay Bert back?" When it came to money Bentley had a one track mind.

Winston's facial expression returned to normal Bentley's explanation made it sound much more reasonable. The girl answered Bentley's question, "I didn't have to pay him back because Bert is a nice guy. You could take some lessons from him."

"What exactly would I learn from Bert besides learn how to get taken to the cleaners by women? He can't even unwind my sister Lisa."

The girl got up from the table in disgust. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Come back with your half of the check." Bentley muttered to himself as he looked at the check again three dollars plus tax it would take him forever to earn that money back considering he only got to enjoy half of it. Schaffer would no doubt let him slide if he needed to but it was the principle that bothered Bentley.

Winston watched the theatrics of the two raccoons then decided to step in as the girl walked away presumably to go to the restroom. Frankly with this kid's level of social graces he would remain a virgin until he was twenty four. The exchange between the two however did provide Winston with a new lead and that deserved to be rewarded. "Hey kid," he said as he folded up the Evergreen Standard and stood from his table. Winston tossed a five dollar bill on the table in front of Bentley, "Pay her bill and one day you'll thank me." With that he left.

Bentley watched in shock as the weasel left then turned to the five dollar bill sitting on the table. Briefly he considered pocketing the money but the stranger said to pay the bill with it and it would be wrong to not do so. So Bentley paid the bill.

Out side the Blue Spruce Café Winston paused to put a toothpick in his mouth. From inside the café he was certain he had heard a feminine scream of joy followed by Bentley saying something about his ribs breaking. Perhaps Bentley would have reason to thank him sooner rather than later.

Winston searched the library computer for 'Bert Raccoon' cross referenced with 'Bachelor Auction' he even did a separate search with the original wording and 'Lisa' as a keyword. The results came back with much more specific information for Winston to digest.

Winston sat down at the microfiche machine after gathering the location codes for the articles he wanted to research. Upon finding the bachelor auction story he realized Bentley's account of it was true. The event was a charity bachelor auction for the Evergreen Touring Orchestra and Bert along with three other eligible bachelors took part.

Winston actually felt sorry for Bert who at a dollar fifty brought up the rear in the fundraiser. If the town only had four eligible bachelors one of whom was in a relationship the rate of eligible women was probably the same which may have explained why only a ten year old girl purchased him. It was only because a national television figure paid 10,001 dollars for Cyril Sneer that the fundraiser was a success. Whoever thought of this idea was a birdbrain.

Winston searched against Lisa's name next. There were far fewer hits for that but it became pretty clear that the Lisa in question also had the last name of Raccoon. While this had the hint of scandal, Raccoon was a common last name for raccoons so it was unlikely they were relatives. On the other hand she was underage at least she was when she moved to the Evergreen Forest. Now that would be worth investigating.

Winston placed a toothpick in his mouth as he gathered the articles he printed. He would have some further detective work to do. In the mean time it would behoove him to spy on this Lisa Raccoon.

The next morning Melissa and Nicole sat at the kitchen table in Nicole's house as Lisa walked in on them. The two older raccoons were discussing Bert and his recent troubles and both acknowledged Lisa as she entered and went to the refrigerator to get a drink. From Lisa's expression it was obvious that she was depressed over something.

"Are you ok Lisa?" Melissa asked.

"Yeah fine, just a little…I don't know." Lisa sat down at the table with her mother and aunt. This action shocked the older raccoons who had never known Lisa to join them for anything.

"Is it Bert?" Nicole asked her daughter.

Lisa blanched, "Uh, no…not really."

Melissa smiled, "Sounds exactly like Bert."

Lisa said nothing for a moment as she collected her thoughts. "It's… a bunch of things."

"But Bert is the main one, right?"

Lisa said nothing.

Melissa broke the silence, "Speaking of Bert he has been working with the press a lot recently. He seems to think that if he can make enough money the court might let him have custody of his daughter."

"Do you think it will help?" Nicole asked her sister-in-law.

"It certainly can't hurt. Ralph, however, thinks it's hopeless and that Bert should just give up. Bert left saying something about knives in his back."

"Poor Bert," said Nicole, "it must be hard for him to suddenly find out he has a twelve year old child."

Lisa's ears perked when she heard twelve year old, "Twelve? I thought this was something much more recent."

"Oh no," Melissa rubbed her chin as if in thought. "I can't recall Bert really even seeing any women since he moved in with us. He would sometimes complain about Ralph and I wanting to be alone or Cedric being with Sophia but he never seemed able to …find a girl on his own."

"He did not come back as frisky as when he left you are saying." Nicole inferred from Melissa's story.

"No he didn't. We never were able to get out of him why he came back to the Evergreen Forest or became our permanent houseguest."

"What happened?" Nicole asked; Lisa also appeared interested.

"Bert never did say. He just showed up on our doorstep and asked if there was anyplace for an old fool. He's been here ever since perhaps it had something to do with his current problem you know something to remind him of his college days."

"Well Bert always was a family guy at heart." Nicole interjected, "remember when we made him hold Lisa a few weeks after she was born." Nicole turned to Lisa to emphasize, "You really put up a fight squirming, crying, you even punched poor Bert right in the nose." Lisa looked sheepish. "Of course Ralph said that Bert apparently had a girlfriend since that was how all girls treated Bert." Melissa and Nicole both laughed at that eighteen year old memory Lisa just blushed. "Of course Lisa always preferred older men just like your last boyfriend."

"He was only a year older mom we went to the prom together. Jeez."

"See, likes older men."

Melissa chuckled. "Unlike you Nicole, you seemed to like young guys."

"No, George hasn't been a young guy for quite a few years. Of course the last time he was one I got Lisa out of the deal." The two older raccoons laughed while Lisa wished she could be anywhere but where she was right now.

Lisa stood, "Well I better get going… to work." She rinsed out the glass she was drinking from and placed it in the sink.

"But Lisa…" Nicole started as Lisa quickly exited the kitchen, "I didn't think she had to work today."

Nicole was correct Lisa did not have to work today but she did want to get out of her aunt and mother's conversation and think. She rummaged around in the garage withdrawing with a picnic basket. She strapped the picnic basket to the back of her bike and rode off.

Winston Weasely lowered the binoculars and started his car. He followed her from a distance in hopes she would not spot him. Unfortunately for him Lisa wandered around stopping at various places around the Evergreen Forest. Attempts to spy on her were proving unproductive. Lisa either did not stay anywhere long enough to strike up a meaningful conversation or no conversation took place at all.

Around noon she stopped at Willow's General store for what was the longest stop of the morning. Winston Weasely spied on her using a long range microphone amplifier that looked similar to a hand held satellite dish. Unfortunately for him again there was no conversation aside from Lisa mumbling to herself over what to buy. Not even her conversation with the proprietor, Mr. Willow, yielded any useful information aside from that she was planning a picnic and that much he could divine from the fact she was riding around on a bike with a picnic basket.

Lisa left Willow's General Store heading in the general direction of the Evergreen Standard. This was Winston Weasely's last chance otherwise he was certain that Anthony Shyster would pull his funding. Lisa stopped her bike and entered the print room where Bert was working on the printing press.

Stacks of completed posters were drying off to the side. Bert was scraping ink out of the inkwells because four-color process ink was thicker than the ink used for the newspaper and the clean up of the press was much more complicated. Bert did not acknowledge her entry into the printing shed, which made Lisa somewhat uneasy.

"Hey Bert," Lisa in a subdued manner, "What cha doing?"

"Cleaning the inkwells. We can't leave the ink in or it will solidify and ruin the press." Bert didn't look up from his task to acknowledge Lisa. Frankly he wasn't sure why she was even here. The last time they spoke she slapped him for no reason.

"I'm sorry about slapping you Bert." Lisa said sheepishly as if reading his thoughts. "It wasn't right to do that, it was wrong, you didn't do anything to deserve it and I'm sorry." Bert let Lisa continue, "When I moved to the Evergreen Forest I had no friends, nobody shared my interests, nobody seemed to care that I was having a hard time adjusting to the move, except you. You even tried to play basketball with me even though you weren't very good at it, and still aren't."

"Thanks a lot." Bert continued working as Lisa continued, "I guess it was just the thought of you with another woman made me jealous."

Bert looked up from the press to Lisa but continued working. "Jealous of what? She hates me now." He returned to working on the press.

Lisa paused, "I don't know, maybe just jealous that you have a kid with her and not with me."

Bert had just finished cleaning the inkwells and had started making adjustments for the final cleaning process when Lisa hit him with that bombshell. Bert was thankful that he was face down in the printing press so that the look of astonishment on his face wouldn't show. Even so he dropped the wrench he was using and it clanged against the metal side of the press.

"Are you OK Bert?"

"I'm fine I just dropped the wrench I was working with." Bert hadn't the slightest idea what to say to Lisa. Up until now their relationship was casual neither one had much to say about it or where it was going and this was a bolt out of the blue.

"Do you need any help Bert?" Lisa thankfully changed the subject.

"No," Bert paused, "actually if you would load about 100 of those blanks into the hopper." Bert motioned to the small pile of blank 100-pound paper sitting to Lisa's side.

Lisa did so dutifully loading the paper into the press' feeder tray. She walked around to where Bert was standing. "Why are you printing again?"

Bert started up the press, "It cleans out the remaining ink or at least all we can get out. That means we don't have to replace parts as frequently which makes the pressman happy." Bert motioned to himself to indicate who the pressman was.

Bert quickly ran through the extra prints and by the time the counter had ticked off 150 he stopped the press. "Lisa could you dispose of these and spread out the rest of the prints? I'm going to remove the printing plates." Bert once again ducked down into the press.

Lisa disposed of the 150 extras then began spreading out the prints. Lisa picked up one of the prints and studied it she marveled at the vibrant colors. Bert was an expert printer Lisa wondered why he didn't concentrate on this until a few years ago.

Until recently Bert seemed to have no direction in his life. He would drift from odd job to odd job usually for her Uncle Ralph. Lisa felt sorry for Bert he never really caught a real break in life. "Bert what did you want to be when you grew up?"

Bert sat down at Ralph's desk to write up the invoice he had began to write when Lisa asked him about what he wanted to be when he grew up. "I guess I wanted to be a lot of things when I was younger. Why do you ask?"

Lisa took one last look at the extras and disposed of them. "It's just that you're a great printer and I doubt you went to college to work a printing press."

Bert laughed lightly, "No I suppose I didn't. I eventually earned an advanced degree in physics and worked on some," Bert paused, "projects."

Like what?"

"Like stuff they will kill you for if you talk about it."

"Oh come on Bert they don't actually do that."

"I signed a piece of paper saying I was not allowed to verbally communicate in any language known or unknown or record on any medium known or unknown; any classified information until thirty days after I die. And they stressed there would be 'severe' penalties if I did." Bert stressed the word severe.

"How are you supposed to do that? I mean talk about it after you die."

"That's the point and yes they are quite adamant about keeping secrets." Bert smiled.

Lisa decided to leave it at that. Bert was obviously not going to disclose what he had done during college. She sat down in Melissa's chair next to him, "I'm sorry about punching you Bert," she said out of the blue.

"Huh?" Bert was perplexed by that he didn't remember Lisa punching him.

"When I was a little girl, maybe you don't remember it because it was eighteen years ago and you tried to hold me but I squirmed and cried and even punched you in the nose. Sorry about that."

Bert thought for a moment then remembered the incident. He began to laugh, "Lisa that was almost nineteen years ago. I'm not holding a grudge for that long."

"Thanks Bert."

Bert finished writing the invoice and placed the sheet on the finished prints. "I'll leave this for Lady Baden-Baden she can pick them up when she's ready."

Bert turned off the press and with Lisa's help covered the press with its tarp. "Hey Bert," Lisa began, "after we finish here do you want to go for a bike ride up to the top of Prieng's Peak and have a picnic?"

"Um, well," Bert stammered, "I really should wash and change. Not necessarily in that order." Bert rubbed his hands on his ink stained sweater that looked remarkably similar to every other sweater he owned except for a burn in the shape of an iron on the back.

"Bert you look and smell fine." Lisa smiled lasciviously, "I brought peanut butter."

Now that isn't fair Bert thought to himself but then again what could possibly go wrong on a peanut butter date? "All right you win." Bert threw up his hands in mock surrender and the raccoon couple made their way to their bikes and set off for their afternoon picnic.

Winston Weasely watched as Bert and Lisa got on their bikes and rode off. Where they were going was of little consequence to him he had what he needed. He pulled the amplifier dish into the car and tossed it into the back seat then pressed the stop button on the old reel-to-reel recorder. He had gotten most of Bert and Lisa's conversation except for the very beginning when he was setting up and when the press was running where the whole transcript would read unintelligible. Not that this could be used in a court being that it was obtained without a warrant and in violation of eavesdropping laws.

Winston Weasely did not care about eavesdropping laws, warrants or even what Anthony Shyster wanted to do with the evidence he had obtained. He only wanted to be paid for his time and trouble. He started his ancient car and put it in gear quickly leaving the Evergreen Forest to deliver his package to the law offices of Engulf and Devour.

Anthony Shyster leaned back in his chair as Winston Weasley played the recording of Lisa and Bert. "I'm sorry about punching you Bert."

"Huh?"

"When I was a little girl, maybe…" static made this part unintelligible… "was eighteen years ago and you tried to hold me but I squirmed and cried and even punched you in the nose. Sorry about that."

Anthony Shyster pressed the stop button. "You've done well Winston we now have what we need."

"I don't know Mr. Shyster there really isn't anything in there that can be considered as bad in there."

Anthony ran the tape backwards, "When I was a little girl…" Anthony ran the tape forward… "and you tried to hold me but I squirmed and cried and even punched you in the nose…" Anthony hit stop.

"Does that sound bad enough for you? With more editing it will sound worse; bad enough that child protective services would bar him from ever being allowed near children again. Not only this but it appears Mr. Raccoon has had his hands in some kind of nefarious scheme." Anthony ran the tape further back to where Bert refused to discuss his past with Lisa and let it play forward.

"Yes, but I think…" The weasel started

"You are not paid to think remember that."

"Yes sir."

"We'll never really know what he did but the fact that he doesn't want to or cannot talk about it is by its very definition suspicious. We will have to exploit this. Child Protective Services doesn't like it when people won't talk about their past."

Once again called into court Bert and his attorney waited for proceedings to begin. Bert drummed his fingers rapidly on the desk quite displeased that Delilah and her attorney were once again trying to drag this out. His attorney sat reading her legal briefs otherwise ignoring his impatience.

Delilah and her attorney both sat smugly in their seats neither one paying attention to Cynthia who in her boredom had taken to playing with a pen. She alternated between doodling on some paper, to playfully shooting courtroom officers, and finally to sticking the pen into her nose in an abortive attempt to impersonate a walrus. This apparently finally tried Delilah's patience and she ordered her daughter to stop.

Cedric entered the nearly full courtroom and sat almost directly behind Delilah and Cynthia in one of the few open spots left. Bert's trials were becoming entertainment for the citizens of the Evergreen Forest and the courtroom was packed.

"All rise," the bailiff intoned as the judge made her way to the bench.

"You may be seated. From what I understand your client has evidence she wants entered in regards to Mr. Raccoon is that correct?"

Anthony Shyster stood from behind the plaintiff's table. "Yes your honor that is correct."

"You may call your first witness."

"I call to the stand, Lisa Raccoon." Anthony Shyster

Bert and his lawyer sat as Lisa walked from the gallery to the witness stand. The bailiff swore her in, "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"Yes," Lisa responded.

The chubby raccoon attorney approached Lisa. "Please state your name."

"Lisa Raccoon."

"And what do you do for a living Ms. Raccoon?"

"I sort files part time for Professor Smedly-Smythe at the museum and I am a student at Evergreen University."

"A student and you work part time at the museum? How old are you?"

Lisa blanched apparently lawyers don't know you aren't supposed to ask women that question. "Eighteen."

"How would you describe Mr. Raccoon?"

"I don't understand."

"How would you describe his demeanor, do you think he is a threat to anyone?"

"Of course not. Bert is a wonderful guy. Funny, caring, nice."

"What is your relationship with Mr. Raccoon?"

"We're friends."

"Friends?"

"Yes."

"What kind of friends?"

"What do you mean?"

"Good friends?"

"Yes."

"Intimate friends?"

"Uh…"

"So the relationship is sexual?"

"No! I've never had sex with anyone." There were some muted gasps form the observers in the gallery, Ralph bit his lip and Lisa was sure she heard her mother say something about having to rely on Bentley to give her grandchildren. Anthony Shyster looked as if Lisa had grown another head out of her shoulder. Lisa now fully embarrassed looked around the courtroom at the faces that stared back at her. Most of them seemed to have no idea that there was such thing as an eighteen year old virgin. Even Bert's twelve year old daughter looked as if the concept were foreign. "At one time that was considered a good thing." Lisa mumbled to no one in particular.

Bert looked to his lawyer who agreed and stood up, "Objection, your honor what does this have to do with my client?"

"If your honor would allow me to continue it will be clear what this line of questioning has to do with the defendant."

The judge herself was snapped out of her disbelief. "Overruled, but this had better be going somewhere."

"Thank you your honor."

"Would you say Mr. Raccoon is interested in you?"

Lisa did not like the questions the oily attorney was asking her. It was embarrassing enough being questioned about your private life let alone in a public courtroom in front of a bunch of strangers. "Yes."

"And when you first came to the Evergreen Forest you were 16 is that correct?"

"Yes"

"And Mr. Raccoon went on a date with you. Was he interested in you then?"

Lisa said nothing. "You are under oath Ms. Raccoon."

"Witness will answer the question." The judge said impatiently.

"Yes." Quiet murmurs went through the gallery and the judge rapped her gavel for silence.

"Do you think Mr. Raccoon likes young girls?"

"Objection! Where is this going?"

"Sustained."

"Withdrawn. Thank you for your testimony Ms. Raccoon." Anthony Shyster turned from Lisa who was now near tears. "I would like to enter into evidence an article from the Evergreen Standard. It details a local charity bachelor auction where a ten-year-old girl purchased a Mr. Bert Raccoon. Mr. Raccoon even went on that date. What other lapses in judgment involving children has Mr. Raccoon had? I present to this court that Bert Raccoon is a material danger to my client's daughter on the grounds that Bert Raccoon is a pedophile."

The courtroom erupted in gasps Ralph stood with a disgusted look on his face as he turned and left the courtroom. Delilah had her hands clasped together just under her nose behind them her lips curled up in a smile. For his part Bert dug his nails into the chair to keep himself from getting up and pounding the ever-loving snot out of the bloated attorney. "Your witness."

The judge had enough and rapped her gavel. "This court will be in recess. I want to see both counsels in my chambers, now!"

To Be Continued

AN: It's alive! This chapter took a while but I finally got it finished. Hopefully the next chapter will be along a bit sooner.

AAN: In case you didn't see it I have created a forum for The Raccoons in the upper right corner. I figure it could be a better place to get more detailed assistance than in the reviews.


	4. Chapter 4

The Raccoons

The Raccoons

Pay the Piper

Chapter 4

Anthony Shyster and Rebecca Badger entered the judge's chambers and were motioned by the unhappy jurist to sit down; both complied without protest. Removing her curly judicial wig, the judge tossed it onto a foam head nearby, catching on the nose of its face and causing the head to tip over. She sat down in her chair with an exasperated sigh and rubbed her temples as she spoke, "What am I to do with your two clients? They behave like animals in heat and expect me to clean up their mess after them."

"My client just wants to be able to see his daughter. He does not deserve to have his reputation besmirched like this," Rebecca argued, trying to persuade the judge to strike Anthony Shyster's line of questioning from the record. Not that it would do much for Bert in the court of public opinion.

"That is out of the question. We believe Mr. Raccoon is dangerous," Anthony Shyster retorted.

"All you did was get his girlfriend to say she is his girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with what he has done."

"She admitted he was interested in her at age sixteen. She was a minor at that time."

"So what? That is not illegal, age of consent laws allow sixteen year olds to make decisions on these matters."

"You think minor children should be preyed on by monsters like this?"

"Sixteen years old is not much of a minor anymore and not too long ago girls were married at fourteen ears old. Not to mention that from her own testimony Ms. Raccoon has stated that there was no contact between them."

"That was then and this is now. You cannot possibly approve of girls Ms. Raccoon's age being set upon by men Mr. Raccoon's age."

"It is not my business what consenting adults do. Plus it is not unheard of for young women to marry older established men as long as the parties to it do not object. Or are you trying to make something of this that it isn't and know it?"

"This is not just about Ms. Raccoon and her adult love life. Mr. Raccoon has more than a few documented questionable actions with children and my client just wants to protect her daughter. We have reason to believe Bert Raccoon is a danger. We are requesting a restraining order," Anthony Shyster said trying to justify his earlier speech.

"You accused my client of pedophilia! There is a whole world of difference…" Rebecca started.

"My client has a twelve year old daughter who is beginning to mature…"

"Strange you should notice that."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Enough!" the judge shouted above the two bickering lawyers. "This is not the place to discuss Mr. Raccoon's faults and my courtroom is not the place to bring up legal actions such as this. Mr. Shyster, if you have something that the local prosecutor or Child Protective Services should know about, then let them know. I cannot conduct a criminal trial."

"As for your client, Ms. Badger I have no choice but to revoke visitation until Mr. Raccoon can be cleared of these allegations. Also I will accede to Mr. Shyster's client's request for a restraining order." Rebecca wanted to speak but held her words as the judge began to write.

"I am going to enter this restraining order with the clerk and then adjourn for a week this will allow both parties to prepare their cases. Now both of you leave my chambers! I need a break." The judge dismissed them with a wave of her hand. Judge Sessions shook her head as the two attorneys practically fought to be the first out the door. She hated divorce and child custody cases. The litigants always behaved like children and the lawyers were even worse. She finished writing and as she proofread the restraining order, Judge Sessions frowned.

Anthony and Rebecca walked down the hallway away from the judge's chambers. It was Rebecca who spoke first, "Do you really believe all the garbage you say?"

"Do you believe all the garbage you say?" Anthony answered her question with his own.

"Not all of it, but I don't go around lying about my opponents."

"You don't? I find that hard to believe."

"Fine, I stretch the truth."

"As do I."

"What you did was far beyond stretching the truth."

"Was it? Do you know your client that well or are you just going on your feelings?"

"You honestly think my client is guilty of abusing children? Or is this more of that 'every man is a predator' bilge that gets kicked around? Have you bought into that stuff?"

"The truth is, it disgusts me every time I have to deal with this stuff. When I was in law school, I ate the pabulum those feminist professors spooned out and then regurgitated it on the term paper and final exam and promptly forgot it. But they are running the world now, so I litigate to reflect that. I don't write the laws I just work with them for my clients. And all the good intentions in the world are meaningless if you do not have the law behind you. The pendulum has swung and continues to swing against your client. I'll use that to my benefit because I am just trying to make a living."

"How do you sleep at night?"

"Very well."

"I couldn't."

"You have before. I know very well you twist the law and abuse it to benefit your clients, just like I twist it to benefit mine. So don't try to hide on some moral high ground."

Rebecca stood for a moment. She hated to admit he had nailed her perfectly. Depending on the circumstance she too used whatever legal tricks she could to benefit her clients even if it violated the intent of the law. 'Don't let him get under your skin Rebecca,' she thought to herself. "I'll beat you, fairly."

Rebecca and Anthony reached the end of the hallway. The entranceway they stood in lead to the main courthouse corridor and there were a number of people milling about. Anthony turned to Rebecca to get the last word in on her. "Heaven help your client then, because the legal system sure won't." With that he entered the corridor to look for Delilah.

After the judge and lawyers had left the courtroom, the spectators began filing out themselves. Cedric, however, remained seated directly behind Delilah waiting for her to move. Finally Delilah stood from her chair to take a break of her own. As she stood some fur from her tail caught in the cheap courtroom chair. "Ow! Stupid chair." Delilah cursed as she examined her tail. The damage was minimal aside from the pain of having hair involuntarily ripped out.

"What's wrong mom?" Cynthia asked from Delilah's side.

"That cheap chair pulled some fur out of my tail. I should sue this so-called court."

"Why don't you mom? You sue for everything else."

"I do not sue for everything else, Cynthia," Delilah scolded her daughter.

"Don't you sue to let people have sex at work?"

"No! I sue because of sexism in the workplace, it's the opposite." Delilah led her daughter away from the plaintiff's table towards the courtroom door.

"But…"

Delilah hurriedly reached into her purse for some change. "Here go buy a candy bar."

"Thanks mom." Cynthia grabbed the change and ran off.

Cedric watched the two raccoons as they walked off towards the hallway. Once they exited the courtroom, he leaned over the banister and grabbed the fur Delilah had left behind. He deposited them in a small evidence bag, then got up and left himself.

The hallway outside the courtroom was filled with spectators and it took awhile for Cedric to find Bentley amongst the crowd.

The Raccoon family was attempting to console Lisa, who was still upset over the invasive questioning, when he finally spotted him. Bentley, not surprisingly, was doing the least to comfort her and may have been doing his best to make his sister feel worse.

"Bentley," Cedric whispered but due to the din of the people in the hallway Bentley did not hear him. "Bentley," Cedric whispered again, somewhat louder this time.

Finally hearing Cedric, Bentley turned from teasing his sister. "Oh, hi Cedric. Do you need something?" he asked.

"Actually, I do need your help with something. Come on."

Both Cedric and Bentley walked down to the courthouse's lower level, stopping in front of the cafeteria. Inside, Cynthia Blackmask eyed the candy bars in a vending machine, agonizing over which one to buy. "I need you to get some of her fur." Cedric whispered to Bentley, gesturing towards the young female raccoon.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Bentley whispered back incredulous. "She'll think I'm some sort of weirdo if I ask for that."

"I don't know. Think of something. This is for Bert." Cedric's staccato response was whispered into Bentley's ear.

"Alright, I'll try." Bentley steeled himself for the most dangerous mission of his young life: talking to a girl.

'_Ok Bentley just go up to her and say hello; what could be easier than that?'_ he thought to himself and gulped, '_anything._'

Breathing deeply again, Bentley resumed walking, _'What is it that what's her name always talks about'_. Bentley racked his brain; he was so nervous that he could not even remember the name of the girl raccoon that had taken a liking to him. _'I should really listen more closely.'_

"Ow, my tail!" A girl's voice suddenly cried out. Bentley quickly realized that in his introspection he had neglected to watch where he was going and stepped on Bert's daughter's tail pulling some of her fur out.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see it there." Bentley quickly coughed up something to fill in the moment while Cynthia smoothed out her tail.

"It's ok," Cynthia said as she dropped her tail, "why do we even have these things anyway?" She swished her tail back and forth a couple times to achieve a more natural look.

Bentley froze. _'Think of something to say Bentley.'_

"Perhaps it is because we're not actually real but the figments of some writer's imagination and tails represent some sort of psychological manifestation of repressed desires stemming from physical isolation." Bentley babbled like an idiot.

Cynthia stared at him blinking a couple times not sure of what to say after that. "It was a rhetorical question. Though I always thought they were for balance." She stuck her tail out and leaned over, displaying perfect balance. Though it was Bentley's guess that in a year or two she would fall flat on her face if she tried that.

"Cynthia! What are you doing?!" The angry voice of Delilah roared into the cafeteria, startling them.

Both young raccoons jerked their heads towards the livid female. Cynthia straightened up. "But mom, I didn't…"

"I don't care! Get away from him now!"

"Yes, mom." Cynthia nodded in assent and meekly walked away from Bentley. "Bye." She waved lightly. As she walked away with her mother, Cynthia frowned.

After Cynthia left with her mother Bentley picked up the fur from her tail and placed it in the evidence bag Cedric had given him.

"Did you get it Bentley?" Cedric asked. He had wisely disappeared when Delilah came looking for Cynthia.

"Yeah, here they are." Bentley gave the evidence bag to Cedric. "What are you going to do with this Cedric?"

"I'm going to do a DNA test. I want to see if Cynthia really is Bert's daughter."

"Who else's daughter could she be?"

"I don't know, but I'm willing to bet it isn't Bert." Cedric walked off leaving Bentley in the cafeteria alone.

Bentley noticed that the candy machine still had Cynthia's money. He had apparently interrupted her in mid purchase of some chocolate and peanut butter concoction. Bentley finished making the selection and the machine dispensed the candy bar. "No sense in letting it go to waste," Bentley said as he took a bite.

After the trial had adjourned for the week Bert and his lawyer went back to her office to discuss the state of his case. "Are there any other things I should know about that are potentially damaging about you Bert?" His lawyer asked.

"I pee in the shower are they going to use that against me too?"

"If they can find a way, yes they will. It looks bad Bert, they just accused you of the last taboo, pedophilia; you'd have been better off if they'd said you were gay," Bert's attorney said as she leaned back in her office chair rubbing her head with both hands. "This isn't something you can easily recover from."

"But I'm not, doesn't that mean anything?" Bert asked incredulously.

"I can have the accusation stricken from the record but once the charge is leveled you are automatically guilty regardless of whether it is true or not. Never mind that this judge already seems to have it out for you."

"But what about…"

Bert's lawyer cut him off. "About what? Justice? Do you honestly call what is happening to you justice? It's not just you Bert; it is every man out there. You don't stand a chance unless she lets you. All we can do is limit the damages. "

"That's not fair!"

"Life's not fair Bert. Frankly, unless you can destroy Delilah Blackmask you will never see your daughter again."

Rebecca again leaned back in her chair rubbing her temples. "Can I ask you something Bert? Off the record no billing until I say we're back on the clock."

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Did you love her?"

"Huh?"

"Delilah Blackmask; did you love her when you were with her or was she just…"

"Just another in a series of hookups?" Bert finished the question for her. "No, I guess you could say that I liked her at the time but I didn't really know her well enough to say I 'loved' her. She was tall, beautiful, smart, available." Bert laughed at the memory, "We were both college freshmen, we were on our own for the first time and we thought we were invincible. We met at a party to celebrate some school sports victory. After the party we went back to my dorm and..."

"I think I get the point."

"My roommate spent part of the night exiled. We continued to see each other a couple more times before she decided she wanted to see other people. At the time I didn't think anything of it and continued much as I had before I met her. I could have seen us together for a long time but she had other ideas. Keep in mind this is not exactly a story of 'how we met' that I ever expected to tell my grandchildren."

"I would hope not. However, it seems kind of obvious you still see something to like about her. After all, you seem to have taken an interest in someone who bears a striking resemblance to her, at least physically, anyway."

Bert blushed under his fur; it should not be that easy to read him. Perhaps there was something to his lawyer's observation. Lisa certainly looked similar to Delilah, though on the inside she was much more attractive. "I never fully understood why she dumped me after a couple weeks, but she did and we parted ways. That was the last time I saw her until a few weeks ago and that was the first time I ever saw my daughter. Maybe she was mad at being pregnant and took it out on me, I don't know."

"It'd be unlikely she'd even know she was pregnant at that point. And I'm still trying to understand her reasoning for treating you like she is. Usually, this kind of hatred is built up over years of marriage and slights both real and imagined. You two dated for a couple weeks. Of course, that couple weeks irrevocably bound you two together for the rest of your lives but still… It just doesn't make sense, there has to be more behind it more than just her being a vindictive shrew who takes pleasure in hurting others."

"Why do you think that?"

"Have you ever heard the saying, 'the most dangerous place in the forest is between a mother and her cubs'?"

"Yes, I live in a forest. Why?"

"Because that is what she is using to gain sympathy, all the while using her daughter, your daughter, as a shield. This is more than just Delilah Blackmask protecting her daughter from what she considers a predator. She has issues with something and we have to attack her on those."

"I don't follow."

"There is a reason Delilah Blackmask is determined to keep you from seeing your daughter. She has to be hiding something and we have to exploit it if we are to win. You will have to act like a woman."

"What happened to justice? What happened to the rule of law?"

"Justice and the law can be, and sometimes are, two separate things. You don't have to like it it's just the way things are."

"Well it's not right and needs to be changed."

"Good luck with that! Things don't change unless there is a mass movement behind it or it is done in the dead of night when no one is looking." Bert's lawyer leaned back in her chair, "It's nice that you like to play above the board, but that isn't getting you anywhere. You're going to have to lower yourself to fight on their terms."

"That seems so… wrong." Bert appeared shell shocked at what his lawyer had to say about her profession.

"Bert, you know, you would have made a lousy woman," Bert's lawyer responded. She leaned forward. "And I mean that as a compliment. Back on the clock now?" Bert nodded. "As I said, we are going to have to play as dirty as them. Start opposition research, find out what they are hiding." Rebecca began ticking off things they should investigate.

Bert, however, was lost in thought; he had been that way ever since Anthony Shyster had broadsided him with that disgusting allegation. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted revenge, revenge against both Anthony and Delilah.

"Bert, are you listening?" Rebecca asked.

Bert, who had only been half listening up to that point, was snapped out of his thoughts. "Uh, yeah I agree we should look into all that."

"Are you sure?"

"Except for the part about buying the inflatable Smurfs."

"Good, I just waned to make sure you were really listening."

"Will this make it so I can see my daughter?"

"At this point, I am more worried about clearing your name. At some point after we've done that, we can try again."

"Oh," Bert said sadly, "I've got to get going. You know, business to take care of and all."

"Of course, contact me if you need anything else." Rebecca stood from her seat and escorted Bert to the door. They said their goodbyes and she watched him go, all the while worrying that he may have been pushed too far today and might do something rash. She hoped she was wrong and as she turned to go back to her office, Rebecca frowned.

Meanwhile, as Bert spoke with his lawyer, Ralph, Melissa, Cedric, Lisa and Bentley were meeting in the raccoondominium, plotting what to do. All were convinced that Delilah Blackmask was trying to pull some kind of scam but were not sure what it was. Melissa and especially Lisa were both upset about what had happened at the trial this morning and wanted to make Delilah and her lawyer pay. Most of Lisa's ideas involved amputation, beatings or other medieval torments, none of which would really do them any good no matter how therapeutic they might be.

Cedric on the other hand was detailing his plans to test the three raccoons' DNA in the hopes that if nothing else he would find out if Bert really was Cynthia's father. It would not make any difference legally regardless of the outcome but it would at least give them something to go on.

"But even if Bert isn't Cynthia's father it won't make any difference legally." Melissa said, reiterating what the group already knew.

"In fact, if he isn't Cynthia's father, it will weaken his case to see her but not relieve him of having to still pay child support." Ralph finished Melissa's thought for her.

"Why not?!" Bentley shouted, angry at the way Bert was being treated.

"Because of a term called 'psychological parenting'. It means that because Bert said he was the father, he is liable to pay for that child's support, even if he isn't. And if it is proven he isn't he still has to pay but loses all legal rights to see her or make medical decisions or anything else for that matter." Ralph informed Bentley.

"That's not fair to Bert. Who makes this stuff up?" Bentley asked incredulously.

"Mostly lawyers who make laws for other lawyers," Ralph responded.

Bentley only became angrier. "It isn't right!"

"Right now, it isn't a matter of right and wrong, it is a matter of what is. We have to figure out what further bombshells Delilah has planned before she drops them," Ralph said flatly to his upset nephew.

"But how will this help Bert?" Lisa asked.

"In truth, if Bert isn't Cynthia's father, it won't help him at all. Delilah can still collect the money, but will have a even stronger case for not letting him see Cynthia."

"Is it possible that Delilah already knows Bert isn't the father?" Lisa asked.

"It is entirely possible," Ralph answered.

"So, she might just be doing this for the money and once she gets it, she'll just say, 'oops you're not the dad.'"

"She can't do it quite like that, Lisa. She still has to maintain that she, in good faith, thought Bert was the father. Otherwise, it is fraud and even the courts, as bad as they are, have to maintain some form of illusion of fairness or people will revolt."

"Maybe that's what we need," Bentley said.

"Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen."

At that moment, the front door to the raccoondominium opened. They all fell silent as Bert walked in. No one wanted to tell him what they were planning, especially since they had doubts as to whether or not Bert really was Cynthia's father and that was something Bert refused to even discuss.

To Bert, however, their silence was an indictment. Not even the perfunctory, 'Hi Bert,' they said in greeting moved him from his sullen demeanor. Neither Bert nor the others knew how to break this impasse; no words spoken seemed able to salve the wounds Bert felt. Only the ringing of the telephone and the sound of Melissa's answering it broke the silence.

"Bert, telephone!" Melissa shouted from the kitchen.

Bert left the living room and walked into the kitchen to pick up the phone. "This is Bert Raccoon." There was some excited chipmunk-like chatter from the phone. "Yes, I am interested in the apartment." More excited chatter. "Listen, that isn't true. It was made up by my ex-girlfriend." Even more chatter came from the phone. "Can't you at least wait until I am actually convicted of something?" Yet more chatter. "Ok, I understand, thank you." Bert hung up the phone.

"Bert, is something wrong?" Melissa asked. She had overheard Bert's part of the conversation but did not know what the other person had said.

"No one wants to live next door to a sex offender." Bert had a look of dejection on his face. "I'm going up to my room." With that he slowly left the kitchen.

Ralph, Cedric, Lisa and Bentley watched Bert make his way slowly up the stairs to his room. All of them could tell something was really bothering him.

Melissa exited the kitchen after Bert and joined the others. "What happened?" Ralph asked his wife.

"I think Bert missed getting an apartment because of the trial today. Word must be getting around."

Ralph shook his head. "This is not good. We're going to have to find some way of clearing Bert's name or he is not going to survive this, literally."

"I'm going to go up and talk with him," Cedric said to the others as he got up. "I'm his best friend, after all."

"That's probably best Cedric. Lisa, you and Bentley should go back home. Bert's going to want to spend some time alone," Ralph said.

"But I want to stay and help Bert too."

Lisa stood and grabbed Bentley by the collar to get him to stand as well. "Come on Bentley we have work to do, at home."

"But I want to…" Bentley protested but was cut off.

"But nothing, buster. We're going home," Lisa said with enough authority that Bentley actually obeyed. The Raccoon siblings began their trek home together. As they looked back toward the raccoondominium, they both frowned.

Cedric walked up the stairs to the raccoondomium's second floor. He turned to stand in the doorway to Bert's bedroom. The room was uncharacteristically clean with only a few items out of place. Bert lay on the bottom bunk of his bunk bed still wearing his suit from the earlier trial though he had loosened his tie. "What do you want Cedric?" was the sullen raccoon's question.

"I just want to know how you're feeling, Bert. I'm worried about you, that's all."

"You want to know how I'm feeling?" Bert rolled over to face Cedric. "I'm feeling fan-frickin'-tastic! That's how I'm feeling. I just got accused of being a pedophile. How do you think I'm feeling?"

"I'm sorry Bert."

Bert sat up. "Do you have any kids Cedric?"

"Of course not Bert, you know that."

"That's what I could have said a few weeks ago, too." Bert lay back down on the lower bunk turning away from Cedric.

Cedric took that moment to pick some of Bert's hair from a hairbrush. "Believe me in my case, I know." Cedric's voice sounded matter-of-fact but there was a tinge of displeasure to it.

"This is what I get for trying."

"Bert, it's not what you get for trying. You're doing the right thing, she just blindsided you, that's all."

"Broadsided is more like it."

"Maybe but who knows? Perhaps you'll still win."

"Fat chance of that happening. They're probably right, fathers can't raise kids."

To Cedric, the words were like a slap in the face and anger began to arise within him. Momentarily forgetting why he had come into Bert's room, he stormed over to where the raccoon lay and grabbed him by the collar of his suit jacket, pulling him up to face him.

"Don't you ever say that, Bert!" he snapped, then unceremoniously released him, letting him fall back on the bed startled.

"What was that about Cedric?" Bert asked, shocked by his best friends reaction. Cedric had roughed him up far more than Bert ever expected him to.

"It was far less than what my pop would have done had he heard you say that," Cedric responded a little shocked himself that he had done that to Bert.

Bert rolled back over to again face away from Cedric. "I want to be left alone."

"Ok Bert, but you should not let them get to you like this. There are a lot of people who believe you and we need you to stand firm. Can you do that for us?" Cedric asked Bert's back. Bert grunted something unintelligible and Cedric left the room.

A couple days later in the raccoondominium the telephone rang. Bert hurried down the stairs to answer it, "hello." There was a voice that sounded like an excited chipmunk from the phone. "Oh, hello, Mr. Foxworthy," Bert greeted the caller, "how can I help you?"

There was more excited chatter from the phone. "But Mr. Foxworthy perhaps I can renegotiate? There has to be something I can do to get your business." More chatter came from the phone. "I understand Mr. Foxworthy, please keep me in mind if you have any other printing needs." Bert hung up the phone with a sad look on his face. Mr. Foxworthy said it was a business decision but Bert knew it had to do with his legal troubles. Mr. Foxworthy was a legitimate businessman and any connection with bad news was not something he would want for his business.

Melissa walked in on Bert as he finished his conversation. She could tell by the sad look on his face that something did not go well. "Are you ok Bert?"

Bert acknowledged Melissa. "Just lost a contract, that's all." Bert's body language betrayed him.

Melissa knew Bert wasn't telling the whole truth but decided that he deserved his privacy. "I'm sorry Bert, you'll get the next one, I'm sure."

"Yeah the next one." Bert said, in a far-away voice. "I'm going to go out." As if in a daze, he walked slowly towards the front door, exiting the raccoondominum.

Melissa watched Bert leave with a sad expression; she wanted to say something to cheer him up but could think of nothing. As the door closed, Melissa frowned.

A few days later, Cedric drummed his fingers on his lab countertop as he waited for the results of the test he was running. He glanced impatiently at the clock on the wall, willing it to go faster despite its stubborn refusal. In his fixation with the clock, he did not even notice the approach of his father who stood at the door chewing on the nub of a cigar.

Cyril, however, took immediate notice of his son's lack of attention. "What are you doing in here Cedric?" he asked gruffly.

"I'm waiting for the results of a DNA test pop." Cedric said barely turning from the clock.

"DNA, what's that? Is it some new thing you kids are doing?" A concerned look came over Cyril's face, "Is it legal?" Next a more opportunistic look crossed his face, "Is it profitable?"

Cedric broke from looking at the clock, "It's a paternity test, pop. It's perfectly legal."

Cyril nearly swallowed his cigar. "Paternity test?! Oh no! What did you do, Cedric? It's not that Sofa Davenport girl is it?"

"No pop, this isn't about 'Sophia.'" Cedric expressed the proper pronunciation of his girlfriend's name. "This is for Bert. I'm testing his daughter."

Cyril again nearly swallowed his cigar, "That raccoon has reproduced?! Oh no, now there will be more of them." Cyril leaned against the doorframe in mock weakness.

"Bert seems to think he has but I'm not so certain. You've heard the expression, 'mother's baby, father's maybe.'"

"Not on my playground."

"It means it is obvious who the mother is but not so obvious who the father is. Delilah the mother of Bert's daughter seems determined not to let him see her. I want to find out why."

"And you think…?" Cyril asked.

"I don't think Bert is the girl's father, pop. That won't make any difference in court since Bert has declared himself the girl's father but it might shed some light on why she doesn't want Bert to see her. Delilah otherwise seems to think fathers can't or shouldn't raise children."

Cyril ground his teeth in annoyance. Having been a single father himself, he didn't like the idea circulating that fathers couldn't be real parents and if there was one thing he supported besides money, it was family, even for a raccoon he considered his enemy. "Oh, well, I hope everything works out." Cyril actually felt sorry for Bert, even though he would never admit it.

"So do I pop," Cedric sighed as he glanced back at the clock. A quick ding alerted Cedric to the test's completion. Cedric studied the test's results and frowned.

Bert finished his printing jobs early. Over the past few days work had dwindled to a trickle and Bert had a pretty good suspicion as to why that happened and it was not just an economic slowdown. It was still midmorning when he got back to the raccoondominium.

"Hello, is anybody here?" he asked as he entered the front door. There was no answer. Both Ralph and Melissa were gone, which was fine with Bert; he didn't want anyone to know what he was going to do.

Bert wandered up the stars to the bathroom. He stripped off his traditional sweater and took a shower. After his shower, he returned to his room and began to dress in his suit. He stopped momentarily as he finished tying his tie.

Bert opened his closet door. This was apparently where he had decided to hide the majority of the debris that used to liter his room. Using some of the debris as a step stool, he sorted through the objects on the top shelf.

He pushed aside the model airplanes and radio controlled cars that until a few weeks ago, in another lifetime, consumed his time and energy, to reach back further into an even more distant lifetime.

Bert pulled out a box from the very back of his closet and brought it down to his bed. He opened the heavy locked box and withdrew an automatic pistol and holster. He put the holster on, checking under his left arm to be sure he had a good line of action. Once satisfied, he returned his gaze to the pistol.

The pistol had been issued to Bert for protection, not his personal protection, but to protect the project he was working on. Although he had never had to fire it in anger, he still wondered how bad things had gotten if they had to arm the scientists and those working with them.

With the pistol was a box of ammunition. Bert loaded the gun's magazine and inserted it into the pistol and racked the slide, which made a quiet click, indicating the gun was now loaded. Bert flicked the safety switch to safe mode and put the weapon in its holster.

Satisfied that he had the holster and pistol positioned right, Bert put on his suit jacket and smoothed it over. The holster was designed to minimize any appearance of being armed.

Bet picked up his keys and made his way back down to the raccoondominium's first floor. "I'll be out for a while," he said to the empty dwelling. Silence was the only response. "I'll be seeing you." Bert walked out the door and locked it behind him.

Bert opened the garage and unlocked the door of his seldom-used car, sighing as he got behind the wheel and started the motor. Briefly, he considered shutting the garage door and leaving the motor running but decided against it; something had to be done and he had to be the one to do it. Bert shifted the car into gear and drove to the main road.

Bert waited on a park bench outside of Engulf and Devour, casually reading The Evergreen Standard as he kept watch on the law firm's front door. It was almost noon and patrons and employees were streaming in and out, but Bert was interested in only one: that fat waste of raccoon flesh and fur, Anthony Shyster.

Finally, Anthony Shyster appeared at the door with Delilah Blackmask and a third individual, a vixen who apparently enjoyed chewing bubblegum. The trio turned and began walking down the street. As other passers by congregated around them Bert's initial response was put on hold and he decided to follow them instead. The two raccoons and the vixen walked a couple blocks to an upscale restaurant where Anthony Shyster held the door open. Delilah looked disgusted at this display of civility and she opened the interior door on her own and walked through. The bubblegum-chewing vixen walked through the door Anthony Shyster held open and the door that was closing behind Delilah. Anthony Shyster then walked through the outer door only to have the inner door close directly in his face.

Bert watched the actions of the three from a short distance behind them. Their entrance into the restaurant made him pause briefly; it was noon and the place was likely to be packed. Even so, Bert had to find out for sure.

Much to Bert's surprise the restaurant was not crowded and the trio had already been seated. "May I help you, sir?" the accented voice of the maître d' asked Bert.

"Uh, I was in town, on business and wondered if, I could get lunch?"

The maître d' looked into the dining room then back to Bert. "I suppose we might have something available. Please walk this way."

The maître d' walked into the dining room with Bert following. "Here you are, sir."

Bert could see Anthony Shyster and his party at a table near the window. "Uh, could I get a table closer to the windows?"

The maître d' held out his hand and Bert took the hint, placing a ten dollar bill in it. "I will see what I can do, sir." Bert was seated at a table where he could see Anthony and Delilah but they could not see him because they had their backs to him. This was fine with Bert he did not want them to see him.

Unfortunately they had joined with another party so all Bert could do was listen above the din of other customers eating and talking mixed with the sound of a string quartet playing some unknown tune.

Bert eavesdropped on the conversation as best he could. At first the conversation was light, discussing business and politics, but soon turned to the issue at hand: Anthony Shyster represented the vixen who was suing the other party for some slight, real or imagined.

"Mr. Shyster, as much as I enjoy small talk, I must get to the point of our meeting namely the frivolous lawsuit your client has filed against my company." The businessman indicated to the vixen, who blew a bubble, only to have it pop over her muzzle; she apparently never stopped chewing throughout the entire meal.

"Frivolous is such a misused word." Anthony spoke with mock hurt. "In fact my client's case is airtight; she was fired because she refused the advances of your Chief Financial Officer."

"That is a bald faced lie! She was fired because she was grossly incompetent. She had plenty of opportunity to improve her performance and she failed. We have documented everything."

"Your documentation isn't worth the paper it is printed on. All my client has to do is say it happened and it did. I'd suggest you settle; 300,000 is small compared to what my client will get if this goes to trial."

"Three hundred thousand!" the president choked. "I don't have that much liquid. I have employees who will be out of work. This is extortion, I'll fight it."

"Then do so; if this goes to trial, you will be liable for millions. Either way, we win."

"This is completely outrageous. Isn't it?"

The businessman turned to his lawyer who shook his head negatively. "I'd suggest we take the deal. He's right about the court system not caring about evidence in cases like these."

Delilah spoke up, "Of course, if you have mandatory sensitivity training for your workforce, you could avoid or at least lessen the chances of things like this happening. I offer such services."

"Extortion, this is nothing more than extortion." The president turned back to face his accusers.

"I quite assure you, this is all legal and if you take our offer, your company might just survive," Anthony Shyster said confidently with the faint hint of a smile on his face.

The president looked downcast. "Very well, I'll take the settlement."

"Excellent! We can sign this before the end of the week."

The president and his party got up from the table. The disgust at the way they had been treated was obvious. As they retreated the vixen asked, "Did I won?" as she snapped her gum.

"Sure, why not?" Delilah said dismissively.

"I is intelcomptent." The vixen mixed 'intelligent' and 'competent' together to display she was neither.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Delilah had run out of patience with the brainless vixen. The vixen looked perplexed at Delilah as she chewed her gum slack jawed. "Go, we have no more use for you."

At the same time that the vixen got up to leave the maître d seated a group of businessmen between Bert and Anthony and Delilah. Bert was able to hear parts of the conversation before but the businessmen, who were obviously celebrating, were making too much noise for him to effectively eavesdrop on their conversation. He was only able to hear snips of it through the businessmen's backslapping and self-congratulation.

"Thank heavens she is finally gone! She was like a black hole of intellect. I could actually feel myself become stupid in her presence," Anthony remarked.

"She certainly isn't a credit to her sex," Delilah concurred.

"At least we won. Three hundred thousand is a nice amount for so little work. Pity we have to give two thirds to her."

"We could give here three magic beans and tell her that's what she won. She wouldn't know the difference. However, I want to discuss with you my ongoing case with Bert Raccoon. He's becoming a major pain in my tail."

Anthony sighed in exasperation. "What now?"

"He won't go away. These things are not supposed to last this long."

"Yes, he is being unusually steadfast. Even in the face of what we accused him of, he is still fighting back. I'd suggest we pull the plug on this one. We always said we should just go after the low hanging fruit."

"Absolutely not!"

"Why?"

"This." Delilah dropped some papers in front of Anthony. "What do you make of that?"

"It's a military pension. For a," Anthony paused, "full colonel?"

"Why am I not getting that pension?"

"It's a government pension. He'd have to die because government pensions are one of a few forms of income that cannot be attached for child support or asset forfeiture. And the only way you could get it was if you were married to him when he died. The lawmakers wanted to be sure their income was safe from litigation."

"Death hmmm, what if he died without being married?"

"It would continue to be paid to any of his minor children until they reached age of majority."

"So if he dies I may not get the pension myself but Cynthia will at least until she turns eighteen and then she is of no use to me anymore anyway. Somehow, it doesn't surprise me that he is worth more dead than alive, just like when I was sleeping with him."

"I'd suggest you forget you've ever seen it. There is no enlistment or draft record and at Mr. Raccoon's age, there is no way he could have achieved the rank of colonel, let alone retired with a pension unless he were doing something that no one is supposed to know about. Considering he has indicated there are things in his past he won't talk about we had best stay far away from him. I'd suggest cutting and running."

"Cowardly man!" Delilah hissed, "This should be easy money."

"It is easy money when they don't fight back. Nothing seems to faze this guy. Everything we throw at him he just comes back, now this. I don't feel comfortable about doing this anymore. If he wins, we will be in some serious trouble."

"Nothing will happen to us. The courts are stacked in my favor."

"The courts may be stacked in your favor but even they have to portray a façade of fairness go too far and you may end up handing him a victory. That would be disastrous for us."

"No! We are going to keep pressing forward. I want everything he has." Delilah looked askance a wry smile on her face

"Your bill, sir." The waiter set the bill for the dinner in front of Anthony Shyster.

"You pay the bill." Delilah stood from the table leaving Anthony Shyster to pay the bill.

As he watched Delilah leave the restaurant, Anthony Shyster frowned.

Bert watched as Delilah got up and left her table. He dropped a fifty-dollar bill on the table to cover his check and gratuity and followed as Delilah left the restaurant. He had already decided to change his plans after hearing the parts of their conversation where Anthony tried to talk Delilah out of continuing the custody battle. Bert no longer thought of Anthony as his biggest enemy, but Delilah instead.

Leaving the restaurant, Bert followed her into a nearby downtown parking garage. Delilah seemed not to notice he was following her as she made her way to her expensive sports car. When Delilah reached the car she unlocked it and stood for a moment facing away from him before saying, "You know I have a restraining order, Bert."

Bert stepped from the shadows. "How did you know?"

"I saw you at and following me from the restaurant. What do you want?"

"I want to see my daughter."

"Impossible. You have no reason to see her." Delilah turned to face Bert.

"I'm her father."

"You're nothing if I don't say you are. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want for you to go away. Pay your support, that's all you are supposed to do anyway."

"Not without seeing my daughter."

"You don't have a daughter Bert, I do. Your only job is to write me a check every month so that I can live in the lifestyle I have become accustomed to. Now cease this charade you're just wasting my time and yours."

"This isn't a charade. I want to be a part of my daughter's life. Father's are important and should be a part of their children's lives and I will be." The last threads of Bert's sanity were attempting to reason with Delilah to keep him from shooting her, which would insure he would never see his daughter.

"You know something Bert, you sound a lot like my daughter. She too believes in the knights in shining armor that populate storybooks, but they don't really exist. No knight is going to come to her rescue or yours. The sooner she realizes it, the better, so stop lending yourself to her fantasy."

Delilah continued, "Get it through your head that you aren't going to see her, especially with that cloud hanging over your head."

"Everything you accused me of is a lie and you know it. I'd never do anything like that."

"A girl can't be too careful." Delilah put on a fake innocent look.

"You had something to do with it and you know it."

"Bert, all of this will go away if you just give up. I don't need your input on how to raise my daughter, only your paycheck."

"So that's what this is all about. Including what you are doing to businessmen like the people you met in that restaurant? Is this what you do? Sue people for no reason."

Delilah rolled her eyes, "I don't sue for, no, reason. I sue for money."

"Well, it's not right."

Delilah laughed, "You and I have different definitions of right and wrong then. I see this as we are finally righting wrongs that have lasted for thousands of years. For too long we women have been kept down and now that injustice is being righted. Bert, your kind is the last of a dying breed; within a generation we women will have taken over completely and I want my daughter to be in the vanguard of that new order."

"Men are only good for two things: security and," Delilah chortled, "I think you know what the other one is. Other than that, your purpose is nothing."

"I will see my daughter. Even if I have to go through you." Bert could feel his right hand ready itself to go for the gun in the holster.

"There's nothing you can do to me Bert. I am untouchable, protected by the law and the courts. I can do anything I want and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop me. If you so much as touch me, you are going to jail. Then what will your, daughter, think of you?" Delilah put sarcastic emphasis on the word daughter. "I will see to it that you never see her again." Bert stayed his hand.

"You should know that by know that you can't win. Give up Bert, there is no point in continuing your pointless crusade. It won't go anywhere and there is nothing you can do to me." Delilah opened her car door and got into the car. "Men should know they are beaten and accept that. See you tomorrow, Bert." With that she started her car and drove away.

Bert could only stand by and watch as Delilah drove away. She was right; there was nothing he could do to her. Even shooting her would not stop her and would only make Cynthia hate him as well. Bert could only shrug and make his way back to his own car.

Delilah looked into her rearview mirror at the raccoon she had just torn apart. Men needed to learn their place, but still, from somewhere deep inside her, she felt a little bit sorry for what she had done. As Bert receded in the distance, Delilah frowned.

Ralph walked through the entranceway of the capital city's hall of records. The building had once been rather ornate but time, neglect and expansions had rendered it a shell of its former self, though there were still visible remnants of its previous splendor. Ralph's footsteps echoed off the cavernous entranceway's marble façade. On the far side of the foyer a lone clerk sat on a stool watching some god-awful daytime television show.

"Good afternoon," Ralph said to the elderly lady goose. "I'm Ralph Raccoon with the Evergreen Standard." He flashed his press badge, "I'd like to get copies of these records." Ralph set a huge stack of papers on the desk. The elderly clerk raised her eyebrow at the smiling raccoon. "Of course, I see you are," Ralph look around at the empty building, "extremely busy. I could get it myself, if you prefer." Ralph resumed smiling. The clerk motioned Ralph permission to go into the records room. "Thank you," Ralph said as he picked up the papers and walked into the hall of records.

The actual records area had been expanded from its original dimensions in a haphazard and undignified way. The lower level of the room still bore the trappings of its former regal splendor; above it, however, was a gaping red brick wound where the ceiling had been torn-out and additional stacks had been added. To Ralph's left was a door way leading to where the clerk was sitting, still minding her television set. Just beyond the door way was a bank of computers. Ralph sat at the first computer selected birth certificates to search though and 'Cynthia Blackmask' as the item he wanted to search.

Ralph didn't much care for computers, though Bentley seemed to think they were a potential communication medium and that someday they would be linked together in a network. Bentley also said that anyone would be able to publish what they wrote and have it be read right from a screen right in their own home. Frankly, Ralph could not believe that people would want to read the garbage that the average person would write when they could buy a perfectly good newspaper or book that would have proper grammar and spelling written by trained professionals.

Ralph sat back as he contemplated this, idly watching the computer's cursor silently blink as the database was searched. When a return was made, Ralph noted the location on one of the blank sheets of paper he brought to fool the clerk and got up to search. As he got up, a second return populated. Ralph wrote that one down as well. Ralph got up a second time, only to have a third return populate. Now fully curious, Ralph sat down again; he wanted to wait until the search had completed the whole database.

After eleven Birth certificates populated the database query finally ended. Ralph noted the location of each one. Ralph was at a loss as to why one little girl would need so many birth certificates. He reasoned that it was just the same one checked out copied then replaced with the copy without removing the old file.

After an hour of searching Ralph had gathered all eleven birth certificates. He scanned each one carefully. As he finished scanning the last one, Ralph frowned.

Bert entered the Blue Spruce Café amid the stare of the afternoon patrons. No one said anything directly to him, but he knew by the stares and muted voices that they were talking about him. He took a seat at the bar as Schaeffer noticed his arrival. "Hello Bert," he said in his usually pleasant voice, "what can I get you, another blue plate special, perhaps?"

"A whiskey," Bert said in a dour voice.

Schaeffer reached for the top shelf and brought down a bottle with a brown liquid in it. "This isn't your usual lunch Bert. Is there something wrong?" Schaeffer never knew Bert to drink the hard stuff straight. He would normally mix it with something like his favorite peanut butter soda. Even so, Schaeffer poured Bert a glass.

"Leave the bottle," Bert said as Schaeffer stopped pouring.

"That stuff's not cheap, Bert," Schaeffer said. Bert laid a twenty-dollar bill on the bar. "Suit yourself." Schaeffer left the bottle.

"Business has been pretty slow and I missed out on a big printing contract a couple days ago." Bert answered Schaeffer's question from earlier before taking a drink. "Getting it would have helped with my… 'legal troubles.'" Bert made quote makes with his fingers when he said 'legal troubles'.

"Aw, cheer up, Bert. If you look at it this way, you never had the contract so how can you miss it?" Schaeffer started wiping out a glass.

"I shouldn't have lost it. I know it has to do with that…damn Delilah and that fat slob of an attorney." Bert quickly downed the rest of the glass and began to pour more. "And there's not a thing I can do to stop them."

Schaeffer could see Bert was hurt and wanted to help. "Bert, I know you are upset, but you don't know that and you won't find the answer at the bottom of that glass or that bottle."

Bert downed the glass he poured. "Maybe I'll never find the answer but at least I'll find some comfort." Bert grabbed the neck of the bottle and sadly walked out the door. As he watched his friend leave, Schaeffer frowned.

Evergreen Lake shimmered with the brilliant colors of the sun that was slowly slipping under the horizon. The occasional fish would make its presence known by leaping from the water. Tall evergreen trees stood majestically around the lake, scenting the area with fragrant pine. The wild animals of the forest who were either getting ready to slumber or were getting ready for their nocturnal hunts hid as Bert meandered by.

Bert made his way to the lakeshore. As the sun set over the lake Bert tilted the bottle back drinking deeply the contents. He flopped onto the ground beneath a tree with a sigh. "At least you believe me," Bert slurred to the bottle, now about a quarter full, the rest presumably having gone into Bert.

"Everything I worked for. Everything I saved for. Gone, all gone." Bert drank another swig from the bottle.

Bert set the bottle between his legs and pulled his pistol from beneath his suit jacket. He ejected the magazine and began removing the bullets one by one. He tossed them onto the ground until there was only one left.

As the sun slipped under the horizon, the night forest creatures began to become active. Crickets chirped, owls called out and various others rustled about in the leaves and undergrowth. It soon became dark and the stars began to shine, having finally been liberated from the solar oppression. The only unnatural noise that cold be heard was the metallic click of a gun being loaded.

"Save the last one for yourself," Bert muttered what he had been told when issued the pistol. He then racked the slide. "There's no sense in going on. My life ruined, my business ruined, my reputation ruined. So this is where it ends."

Bert closed his eyes and placed the gun to his temple. Bert frowned.

To Be Continued

AN: Just so you know Chgapter 5 will be the final chapter. Unfortunately I have no idea when it will be done because my laptop computer that it is on is currently in China or India or wherever the heck they send broken laptops to to be fixed.

I'd also like to take some time to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed and especially to Gabe B who generously agreed to beta read this and the previous three chapters.


	5. Chapter 5

The Raccoons

Pay the Piper

Chapter 5

"Bark, Bark!" Broo barked happily as he found his owner and proceeded to jump on him knocking the drunken raccoon over. The pistol Bert held dropped to the ground and rolled a short distance before tumbling into the lake with a dull splash.

"Broo, no." Bert slurred as he pushed the puppy away and crawled to the edge of the lake. He stuck his hand into the water and fished around for the pistol before dropping resigned on the shore. Broo came up and licked Bert's face, forcing the drunken raccoon to laugh.

"At least you still like me, Broo." Bert said as he rubbed the puppy's head.

Though still tipsy from the whiskey Bert stood up and staggered slowly in the direction of the raccoondominium. "C'mon Broo, they'll be waiting for us." Broo, who after finding Bert decided to investigate some of the forest nightlife, obeyed and immediately came to heel. Both of them walked off into the enveloping darkness.

Melissa sat alone at the raccoondominium's kitchen table looking over some stock prints for the Evergreen Standard. Rejecting yet another photograph, she took a sip of her tea. It had been over an hour since Broo had practically demanded to be let out; unless Bert or someone else was there to play with him, he usually wanted to be let back in quite quickly after he had taken care of business, but this was not the case tonight. Ralph had left that morning, saying he had business in the capital and she had no idea where Bert was...at least she did not know until the raccoondominium's front door opened and Broo bounded through it barking happily, followed a short distance behind by Bert. He still looked unhappy and a little drunk, though for some reason he appeared to have had a major burden lifted.

"You were out late Bert," Melissa said, making more of a statement than a question but still hoping he might give her an answer to what he had been doing.

"I had some things I needed to do," Bert replied without much enthusiasm.

"Well, I hope you accomplished what you wanted to do." Melissa tried to say something positive to cheer Bert up.

Bert stopped at the foot of the stairs, "It was probably better that I didn't. I'm going to turn in. I have to see my lawyer tomorrow." Slowly, he walked his way up to the raccoondominium's second floor.

The next morning Bert was again dressed in his suit at his lawyer's downtown law firm. "I'm here to see Rebbecca Badger," Bert said to the receptionist who by now was well aware of who he was.

"I'll let her know you are here Mr. Raccoon, please have a seat."

Bert sat down and waited. Within a few minutes Rebbecca appeared at the door and Bert was allowed through.

"I thought I was going to meet you at the courthouse. However, I'm glad you're here; I like to go over a few things with you before trial begins, so it makes as much sense to do it here as there." Rebbecca motioned Bert to one of the chairs in front of her desk.

Bert took the seat and Rebbecca settled into her chair picking up some papers that were arrayed on the desk in front of her. "For instance, did you know that Delilah Blackmask has a degree in 'Women's Studies'? What can you possibly do with that outside of the collegiate world?"

"Bert looked at her vacantly. "Also, and even worse, she is part of women's supremacist organization with a 'back to nature' angle. They believe that our society can best be served by following the example of our primitive cousins in terms of family structure. It seems that not only do they think that women are rightfully superior to men but that men are unneeded except for reproduction and security. In fact, any species that has traditionally mated for life is excluded. This could be an angle to force joint custody; discrimination of this sort is officially frowned upon, even if a blind eye is often turned for politically correct groups."

Rebbecca continued, "I'm going to threaten to enter this information to her attorney. Perhaps that will force them into a settlement."

"I don't want this to go on anymore," Bert said to his attorney.

"Pardon?"

"I want this to end. I want to clear my name. It's over, I can't win."

Rebbecca set the papers back down on her desk. "Did something happen?"

"I've just been thinking. There's no way to beat her. Everything is stacked in her favor."

Rebbecca leaned back in her chair. "And you just want to give up?"

Bert looked down ashamed, "I want to clear my name now. That's it, no more. I want this to end."

Rebbecca exhaled. "Are you sure Bert? If you give up now you'll never get another chance to interact with your daughter, at least while she is a minor."

"It's not like they will let me see her anyway." Bert's head remained bowed in resignation.

"Bert this is not like you. You don't give up."

"Why fight when it only brings you misery? Why? There are no knights in shining armor who will come to your rescue anymore."

"It's your decision. A lot of men don't even bother." Rebbecca stood up, "But where would we be if all the knights in shining armor made the same choice?"

Bert said nothing as he remained seated. He carried himself like a man who was defeated. Rebbecca had seen this in men many times before usually long before it got to this point. She stood up and walked around to where the dejected raccoon sat. She patted his shoulder hoping to give him some small amount of comfort but knowing full well it wouldn't mean much. "We had better get going Bert. We don't want to be late."

The plaintiffs, defendants and spectators all sat quietly as Judge Sessions droned on about obscure legal precedents, case law and other legal terms that probably meant something to lawyers but meant little to the average person. In fact, the average people in the courthouse gallery looked like they had no interest in this part of their neighbor's courtroom drama; they were here only for the verdict. Bert's sudden decision not to go forward with custody had robbed them of the majority of their entertainment.

As the judge droned on, Bert would occasionally glance over to look at his persecutors. Anthony Shyster looked bored, as he from time to time would rub his eyes in an effort to keep awake. Delilah sat looking forward with her head resting on her hand. From time to time she would silently sigh as if cursing the long-winded judge for making her wait. Cynthia lay her head over her crossed arms looking around every once in a while for something to occupy her time. She was the only one Bert felt any sympathy for because she could not have known what her mother had planned.

Bert's attorney looked both bored by the proceedings and displeased, if not angered, by Bert's sudden decision to give up. She would absently drum her fingers on the table and sigh, taking occasional glances at her watch.

At that moment, Ralph entered the courtroom making his way down the center aisle and taking his seat directly behind Bert's attorney. He whispered into her ear and handed over a manila envelope. Rebbecca read over the documents with an ever widening smile crossing her face and waited for the judge to stop droning.

Judge Sessions finally ended her dissertation on the legal structures of Bert's support payments to Delilah. "Does the defense counsel have anything they would like to have considered before this judgment is entered into force?"

"Yes your honor, we do." Rebecca paused to pick up the papers. "Your honor, before you make a decision based on the reputation of my client I have some evidence to enter on his behalf."

"Go ahead, you may speak on your client's behalf."

"Thank you your honor." Rebecca stood from the defendant's table. "My client, Bert Raccoon, only a few weeks ago was considered a pillar of his community. A businessman, a civic leader, a friend to all in his community. He was respected as a paragon of honesty and integrity. A man with whom his word was his bond."

"In the course of the past few weeks, every bit of the life he created for himself was ripped asunder. His reputation was torn apart and scattered to the fall winds. Why did this happen? Why was my client so savaged by the mother of his child? The plaintiff says it was for protection. That she was only protecting her daughter from the predations of my client who has never been proven to be a danger to anyone."

"The reason for this was because, Bert Raccoon behaved like a typical college student. He had more than a few lovers in his early years. While in the past this was considered immoral or sinful this behavior is not illegal, embarrassing as it may be to the person who is now trying to make a respectable image for himself."

"However, when informed that he was the father of a young girl he wanted to do the right thing and be part of her life. Unfortunately for all, the mother of that young girl did not want Mr. Raccoon as the father, she only wanted him as an additional source of income."

"Most men, when faced with this situation, would roll over and play dead. They know all too well that in situations such as this no amount of effort will move a child welfare system that is rooted in it's own bureaucracy."

"Despite all this, Bert Raccoon steadfastly pressed forward no matter the obstacle because he believed he had the right to see and know his daughter. When presented with reasons of why in his present situation he should not be allowed to see her, he changed or began to make changes to meet the standards set by the bureaucrats. When that did not work, they made up charges..." Rebbecca was cut off by Anthony Shyster.

"Objection, your honor, assumption of facts not in evidence." Anthony said without much enthusiasm.

"Sustained."

Rebbecca scowled at the bloated attorney who was reading some paperwork and otherwise ignoring her. Thanks to Ralph, she now had what she needed to finish these two off for good. She started again, "They accused my client, without any basis in fact, of one of the few interpersonal relationships that we as a society consider taboo."

"How noble a cause it is to protect children from the predations of the rapacious. What could someone who wants to protect children possibly do wrong? After all, they have 'the best interests of the child' at heart, don't they?"

"'The best interests of the child' is one of the most sacred of all phrases uttered within the hallowed halls of courtrooms such as this. We conjure up the image of loving parents making the best efforts to do what is right by their children, supported by a legal system that makes every effort to ensure that outcome comes to pass. The truth is far less glamorous."

"Instead, we have created a bureaucracy to manage the chaos we created. That bureaucracy, like any other bureaucracy, allows itself to operate with as little effort as possible, in order to maintain itself. It is far easier for that bureaucracy to continue to act as a money exchanger, than as an organization that looks out for the benefit of children. Far easier, because they get Federal funding based on the mount of child support they collect, rather than by providing a safe and secure environment for the children they are supposed to safeguard."

"Love of money is often called the 'root of all evil'. In this situation, I find myself in agreement. For it is through that love of money that an indifferent bureaucracy would allow unscrupulous persons to use an indifferent court system to pick the pockets of innocent persons such as my client. However, it was not enough that my client be assailed by an uncaring government entity. When the threat of child support without visitation failed to deter my client, added incentive was made. A baseless charge of pedophilia was made against my client. They based this disgusting charge on the fact that Mr. Raccoon has a young, though legal-aged girlfriend, with whom he has a casual relationship and that he fulfilled the obligations of a charity 'date' where he was purchased by a ten year old girl as a mercy purchase. As well as being a good friend of the younger brother of his girlfriend, nothing my client has done is a crime and nothing he has done has ever hurt anybody."

"Why did they do this? They did it to protect themselves from being found out as frauds, because while Bert Raccoon may have a much younger, though still legal girlfriend, at least he has never defrauded anyone like Delilah Blackmask has."

"Objection your honor! How can you allow these baseless charges?" The tubby raccoon attorney stood from his seat."

"Sustain..." the judge began.

"If you will allow me to present evidence on behalf of my client." Bert's attorney handed one set of documents to the judge who looked at them with skepticism.

"Your honor, I hold in my hands, and you have copies of same, birth certificates of one Cynthia Blackmask. One does not have a name for a father and the other ten have ten different men listed as the father including Bert Raccoon, who was only recently added to the list. Several of the birth certificates have different birth dates and all of these men, save for the one who is deceased, have judgments for child support against them in force." As Bert's attorney spoke the judge looked at the documents handed to her. The more she looked the less pleased her expression became. She frequently looked at Delilah Blackmask and her attorney who squirmed uncomfortably looking every bit the condemned prisoners they were about to become.

"Ms. Blackmask," the judge intoned, "you seem to have gotten around. May I ask you a question, is it possible for a child to have ten fathers?" Delilah could only swallow. "No response, hmmm, well that is your right. What about you Mr. Shyster is it possible for a child to have ten fathers?"

Anthony Shyster knew the game was up, "No…no your honor."

"Then why do I have ten judgments awarded for paternity and support on my bench?"

"I, I don't know." The tubby attorney sounded dejected, he knew the reason and he didn't want to admit it.

"You don't know? Then why is your name on nine of the judgments as litigator? You and Ms. Blackmask have some explaining to do. I want answers tomorrow and I suggest you bring your toothbrushes with you. Bailiffs, take them into custody. The judgment against Bert Raccoon is hereby dismissed." The judge pounded the gavel and court bailiffs began the process of taking Delilah, Anthony and Cynthia into custody.

"Did I win?" Bert for the first time in a long time looked excited.

"Sort of, the judgment against you was vacated but there is still a question of who is Cynthia Blackmask's father is," his attorney informed him.

"But, I'm her father."

"Right now, there is a dispute as to who the legal father is; until that is sorted out, Cynthia will be remanded to state custody. I'm sorry Bert."

"Oh, sure! When a guy is named a father but really isn't, he still has to pay, but he isn't allowed to see his kid. And now when the tables are turned I, still can't see her! what happened to the psychological parent then?"

"The term 'psychological parent' only refers to the child's view of the parent not the parent's view of the child. When there is legal standing to charge him as the father. You successfully muddied the waters enough to cast doubt on who Cynthia's father really is," His attorney Rebbecca shamefully said to him.

"Before I wouldn't have been able to get out of paying child support even if I wasn't her father now all of a sudden I'm still cut out. Why?!" Bert cried out in pain and frustration.

"Because right now, there is a legal problem with at least nine child support judgments being in force without a law in place to let it happen," Judge Sessions said, as she came down from her bench to speak directly with Bert. She had thought it best to apologize for what the court had put him through and to inform him he would likely be involved in further court proceedings, though this time only as a witness. Flanking her on either side were the formidable-looking court bailiffs.

"Mr. Raccoon, I would like to apologize for the problems you may have incurred because of these proceedings."

Bert turned from his lawyer wiping at his eyes with his hand. "Why can't I see my kid?" Bert asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Judge Sessions figured correctly that this was one man who would not take "no" for an answer, "Mr. Raccoon I understand your frustration, however, there is an issue as to who actually is Cynthia Blackmask's real father. The only thing we can say for certain is that you are not the father."

"I was good enough for her child support but now I'm not good enough to take care of her?"

"You aren't her father, you were just a patsy who was supposed to pay child support without question. They didn't expect you to fight them. If you hadn't they would have gotten away with it again. This court owes you it's gratitude."

"You can take your gratitude and shove it up your..."

"Bert, please!" Rebbecca pulled Bert back.

"...tail! What do you think fathers are? sperm donors with wallets?" Bert directed his anger at the judge, who listened reservedly. Court was no longer in session and she thought it would be best to let him rant, as long as he did not go too far.

"I wish I could help you Mr. Raccoon but unfortunately the law is what it is."

"Well it stinks!" Bert turned away hurt.

"I'm sorry, that is all I can say."

"A lifetime of sorries won't make up for this."

"The system worked," the Judge said with a strait face, though at this point even she didn't believe it.

That was it for Bert. He shouted, "You call this working? A little girl has lost the only parent she has ever known, all because of your system working!"

"And what of the other lives destroyed, not just by Delilah Blackmask but all the others out there? People who are either attacked or forced to go on the attack so they don't get blindsided by their former partner. Battling it out like gladiators while their attorneys profit from the fighting! Fighting encouraged by a biased system that you say is working! Do you get some kind of a thrill watching people torture one another while you sit up there on your throne?"

"Mr. Raccoon I…" the judge started as the bailiffs reached for their pepper sprays.

"You'll what! You'll have your goon squad pepper spray me? You'll hold me in contempt of court? Let me tell you something, this court is contemptible!" Bert turned away. "Your court ruins people's lives. Not just the losers' lives, but the winners too. I'd say you should be ashamed of yourselves, but I don't think you are even capable of it." With that Bert turned away from Judge Sessions and walked away.

Judge Sessions had had enough of Bert's outburst. "Regardless of what you think, Mr. Raccoon," she called after him, "I am not a dictator who makes things up as I go along. I can only follow the law and they are laws written by people who, more often than not, use your washroom, not mine!" Bert acknowledged the judge's predicament with a shrug. What did it matter, when the legal system that was supposed to protect you did not?

Rebbecca followed Bert from the courtroom. "Bert!" she called out after him.

Bert stopped, "I suppose you are going to want to be paid for your trouble," he said causticly.

"Relax a generous benefactor paid your bill in full he just asked to remain nameless."

Bert sniffed slightly, "Tell him, thank you."

"I will."

"I'm sorry, you don't deserve this. It's just..." Bert's voice trailed.

"Not fair," Rebbecca finished for him. "No, I suppose you are right, it isn't fair; you go through life trying to do your best and someone comes along and destroys it all without even thinking of the cost. Quite a world we've constructed for ourselves, isn't it? You've been hurt, hurt really bad and all you want to do is crawl home and lick your wounds. I don't blame you. This isn't the first time I have seen this happen. It isn't even the worst I have ever seen, but this is definitely the first one where I could put the blame all on one actor."

"It's also the first time I have wanted to quit what I was doing. I cannot in good faith keep doing this in the hopes it will eventually be changed. I guess I can't go on doing this and trying to reform the beast from within."

"Good luck," Bert snorted, "this system will eat you alive."

"Maybe but if I stand around feeding the beast hoping it eats me last, I'll surely be eaten by it." Rebbecca turned from the upset raccoon. "And who knows? Maybe I can kill the beast." with that, she walked away, leaving Bert to himself.

Bert walked out the front door of the Evergreen Forest courthouse and sat down on the steps burying his head in his hands. He was glad this nightmare was finally over; he just wanted to get back to what was left of his life and try to put together something resembling what he had before. He was even told that he had won but why didn't it feel like it?

"Excuse me, mister." A small voice dragged Bert from his revery. He looked up; Cynthia Blackmask stood in front of him further away next to a black car was an older lady goose who watched them both apprehensively she was probably putting her job in jeopardy by allowing this.

"I just wanted to say that I am sorry. Sorry for what my mom put you through."

"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault," Bert said.

Cynthia sat down on the steps next to Bert and looked out towards the road in front of the courthouse. "All I ever wanted was a dad. You were the first one of all of the ones mom sued that wanted me."

As the girl raccoon stood up from the steps, she turned back to Bert. "Thanks…for wanting me." With that, she walked over to where the older goose lady stood with the car door open. Cynthia Blackmask got into the seat and the door was closed. The two raccoons locked eyes and they remained locked until the car had driven out of sight.

Now alone, Bert Raccoon stood up from the steps. With his head, tail and heart drooping he slowly made his way home.

The End

AN: I just want to take the time to thank Gabe B. for his help by being my beta reader and editor. His help was invaluable in making Pay the Piper a better story. I would also like to thank the Head Honcho, raccoonqueen, Dumas and all others who took the time to review. It is your thoughts and comments who made it so much easier to continue this story to completion. So please leave a review to let me know what you think.


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